| The Hitman - One letter off how I felt about this movie |
[Nov. 24th, 2007|12:22 am] |
Dear God.
First, I was misled about this film. Armed with the trailers I had seen, the awesomeness of a live-action film was smeared with Hollywood promise. I didn't care about plot. I didn't care if the acting was bad.
I should have cared.
The first warning was the small script, "Adapted from the video game," in the opening credits. What? I was told it was from a graphic novel! I am not a video game officiando, but my son said the same thing as I read it. "Oh, this isn't good..."
What we then watched came from the same Czeck filmmakers who probably worked on the great "made for TV" epics that the Sci Fi Channel is famous for (I am looking at you, "Mansquito" and "Sasquatch Mountain"). If it wasn't the hackneyed duologue and plot twists, it was abrupt endings that went nowhere like it was edited by someone in a hurry who had not actually SEEN the film, but heard about the video game from G4's "X-play."
About 10% action, much of it implausible or confusing. Not much of it made you go, "Daaaaag!" It was very ho-hum, and then you had to wait for it between lines and lines and lines of terrible drama. Delivered by people who had wandering accents that sounded more South African than British.
I have seen Jackie Chan flicks with better actors. I have seen better writing done by those who wrote dialog for those Playstation "Spyro" games. The video game feel hung around like a ghost; at one point I wanted to "Hit (A) to continue conversation." They had more stereotypes than a Circuit City Clearance sale.
The only good points were some skinny Russian suicide chick's bewbs (but who had ass acne!), a slightly cool fight scene in an underground train station, and the peals of laughter by my son and I sharing a bonding moment over the same thought process over and over.
"They named a Nigerian police inspector 'Jenkins'??"
The Russian police captain who looked so much like Sergeant Schultz, I kept hearing him go, "I know NOTHEENG!" in my head.
I mean, holy shit... this film was so bad, I am sure it's a cover-up for some former Eastern block country smuggling art out of the country (kudos for those who get that reference). They actually typed out the names of the places, and then added unnecessary countries after them:
[typing] I.S.T.A.N.B.U.L. [pause] T.U.R.K.E.Y. "No shit, I thought they had mosques in Istanbul, Florida." London... England? Not the famous Big Ben and Parliament house in London... Florida? (although that joke died when they typed out "St. Petersburg")
One out of 5 stars. D-. It would be zero and an F, but the Russian punk chick was cute enough to make it easier on the eyes. Barely. |
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| Comments: |
There is a graphic novel by the name of Hitman, but it has nothing to do with the video game or this movie. More's the pity, as the comic is great.
Did you see the last Highlander movie on Sci-Fi? Same Czech folks. I'll let you fill in how good it was. | |
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