punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

I suck at wrapping gifts and icing cakes

I hate "How-to" videos that skip the actual process, especially when I have problems not addressed in the videos. For instance, two things I am really bad at are icing a cake and wrapping a gift. So I look to videos to give me tips on the steps I am consistently fucking up.

"Icing a cake," starts the video. It goes into detail about how to place the cake on the platter, how to flatten it out, and goes into presentation details that I am not concerned about or I know already. Then it goes to "ice the cake," and right to the next step of applying a gloss finish or whatever. Woah woah woah... see, the problem I have is the "ice the cake" part. It does not go flawlessly or without fault in their videos, unlike what happens to me in the real world. For instance, when I try to simply "ice the cake" in the manner they show, frosting sticks to my spatula, and not to the cake. I have tried cooling and warming the frosting (home made and canned), but only by pressing harder and smearing with strength do I get the frosting to stick. This creates several problems. The first is, it moves the top layer around the slippery middle layer. The second is that bits of the cake come off into the frosting, making every frosting attempt I do look like I have added sundae toppings to the frosting mix. I had tried making the spatula more slippery with Pam or hot water. This works for about 3-4 dollops of frosting before the effects wear off, and it affects the frosting's texture or taste. My cakes are almost ALWAYS lop-sided, too. I could have 2 perfectly round disks with flat tops and sides, and when I am done, one side of the cake is higher than the other like a volcanic bulge.

Wrapping a gift is the same way. I don't want a how-to video with the first half being "how to select your paper." I know that, and pity those who cannot get past "what kind of paper should I get?" What I really want is some kind of mental formula on how to wrap a gift that is not a box. They always show someone wrapping a perfect square-cornered box. Let's start simple, how do you wrap a bottle? How about a 7-sided trapezoid display common with most kids toys, where one huge side is usually empty air over the display diorama? How do I cut paper so I don't have too much or too little? I swear when I wrap a gift, it looks like a chimp did it for some zoo charity.

Fucking dyspraxia...
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