punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

A little about why I am not a Derby Announcer... yet.

This keeps coming up, especially since Diamond Derby Dave retired from the DC Rollergirls. "OMG PUNKIE YOU'D BE AWESOME" they say, having seen my third-rate cheesiness as emcee at other events like Rocky Horror, Cosplay, Opening Ceremonies, panels, improv, and FanTek. I am flattered, and I want to set the record straight because while I know this seems like "the perfect opportunity," it isn't. Yet. Here's what needs to happen.

1. My job has to change.
I am on call 26 weeks out of the year in 2-week increments. I can't exactly leave in the middle of a bout to deal with work emergencies. This not only includes bouts, but events like a lot of practices (to practice announcing, learn methods, techniques, and most importantly, identify the girls as they whiz past me), after-parties, and other social events people will expect me to attend. I am simply too unreliable.

2. I need to be driving a car.
I can't be depending on rides/metro everywhere to attend said events. This may be fixable if I could afford a second car. Right now I Metro to bouts, but the DCRG usually practices at the Dulles Sportsplex, and that's not Metro accessible.

3. Better attention span.
Probably fixable if I am talking, but some of these girls will look very similar once they are wearing helmets, face paint, and the same uniforms. I'd have to really get to know them by body type, skating style, position, and maybe catch the names on their backs as they zoom past me at 15-30mph. AND tell jokes. WHILE standing for 3-4 hours, because this is not a job where I can sit down.

4. I need to keep my dialog appropriate.
The campy nature of these events needs to be handled with tact, as there are all ages present at bouts. I'd have to focus on double-entendres that will harmlessly go over some kids' heads while targeting adults and yet not be TOO esoteric. No swearing.

For instance, while funny, this would be very Bad: Wow, Skull the Conqueror just went down like a $2 whore! Seven Year Bitch hit her so hard, her tampon shot out and hit someone in the forehead. There's blood on the track folks, and I can't even tell which kind it is or who it belongs to. Oh the humanity! And speaking of huge manatees, here comes Suzi Screemcheese; the heaviest girl on the team weighing in at 210 pounds. She probably drinks a lot of beer to get a gut like that, and probably Pabst Blue Ribbon, or sponsor, the beer of sports fans who love renting hops!

This would be okay and safe, but not very funny: Oh, Skull the Conqueror just fell! Seven Year Bitch knocked her clean off the track, but she's fine. She's more than fine, she's up and about, ready to get revenge! Suzi Screamcheese has been called in, and that spells disaster for the other team, as she is an amazing blocker. Please drink Pabst Blue Ribbon.

What I am going for: Wow, Skull the Conqueror just took a spill! Seven Year Bitch has forgotten what game we're playing and knocked a fly girl out of the park! There's no use crying over spilled silk, however, and Skull gets off a lucky fan and is back in the game! What a trooper, there's no stopping that kind of scare force! Suzi Screamcheese has been called in, and the other team's jammer will have to watch out for this unstoppable jam-stopping machine. Hold onto your beers, ladies and gentlemen, this next round could get ugly. And if you are holding onto your beer, make that beer Pabst Blue Ribbon, who brings you today's exciting game!

5. I'd have to ignore Scarlet
That's not very fun. I like her helping out. of course, in a few years, when she is a teenager and maybe wants nothing to do with me, then maybe this wouldn't be an issue.
Tags: dcrg
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