punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

Anyone who sarcastically asks me today, "What do you want, a medal?" will get these specs

First, the awards ceremony will be held in Hotel Rival Stockholm where me and 100 of my chosen guests will be flown first class to Sweden and driven by limousine, where they will be allowed to expense anything they wish on your account for the 4-day party that will start the moment they rest up.

My wife, son, and I will stay at the largest suite. The rest of my friends get a pick of the rooms they'd like at no charge.

The food will be flown in from the countries they are most famous for, including an unending display of sushi, pastries, and succulent meat dishes for every taste. Any dietary needs any guest needs will have also been accounted for by a famous chef who specializes in whatever need that happens to be (gluten-free, vegetarian, vegan, Kosher, etc). Alcohol for all four corners of the globe shall be provided from the finest in champagne, the strongest of vodka, and even Boones Farm Strawberry hill will be served for those who request it, where it will be delivered by a set of robots that will immediately be destroyed and have their minds wiped upon our departure. This food, along with various chaise lounges, floor pillows, and a staff of massage therapists on call at any hour will be provided in the largest conference room this hotel has for the entire stay.

The awards ceremony itself with be held in the Rival Theater, which will be rented exclusively for the purpose of handing me the medal. It will be presented by a member of Swedish royalty, a team of women in bikinis, a Goth dance troupe, and one of the members of Abba who will perform an opening number choreographed by Tony Basil. Your company will also be present, including the company's CEO who will have to personally put the medal around my neck while mumbling my name repeatedly like a shaman's trance.

The medal itself will be made of gold with an outer ring of the bluest Lapis Lazuli available. There will be an inset of frosted Austrian crystal that will have some LEDS and a battery that will glow a very subtle and dim electric blue. In the center will be a star sapphire and my family crest. On the back will be engraved a picture of me standing alone on a rocky outcropping with a huge wave behind me, crashing on the same rock. This will be commissioned to Stan Lee himself. I will be holding aloft a large electric guitar shaped like an axe. The ribbon that carries it will be made from silk, and woven in red, white, and blue stripes that give a strange 3-D effect like it's a twisting helix.

For display, the medal will also come with a 2' x 3' plaque made of red tigerwood. On the front shall be my full name, etched in brushed nickel, along with the reason for the award and a small description that makes me sound majestic and heroic without the writer looking like they are groveling.

There will also be etched a picture of me, on that same rock, but instead of waves crashing around me, it will be a horde or small goth girls, similar to Emily the Strange, looking up at me in slackjawed wonder as I raise my axe guitar on high, touching an oncoming lightning bolt like I alone was the only savior who could ground it. Under my right foot will be a broken logo of your company, burned at the edges, defeated and pillaged by my very splendor.

The plaque shall be trimmed with acrylic and LEDs that are have rechargeable batteries recharged by ambient room light. When the ambient light is dim or completely dark, and electric eye will make the LEDs and acrylic light the entire plaque with a dim blue glow that will last for at least 168 hours if necessary. A motion sensor will detect if someone approaches within a foot of it, and when they do, the plaque will light up with an eye-pleasing white glow with a spotlight on the hanging medal, where a triumphant section of Gustav Holst's "Mars, the Bringer of War" will play softly.

I will accept no less. Your company will foot the bill for everything here, plus whatever else I charge in the course of my normal duties. You have 72 hours to comply.
Tags: award, medal
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