punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,
punkwalrus
punkwalrus

Straight from the sewers to you!

[ I am going through an old inbox, and I found this essay I sent someone back in 1998. Heh. Enjoy. ]

Years ago, during the height of the TMNT craze, I recall a pudding pie that has the TMNT Logo, and the catch phrase, "Straight from the sewers to you!" Sounds like something Mad Magazine would have come up with, right? Well, I decided to try this concoction, knowing full well if I did not, I would die a curious man.

Long story short, green-colored vanilla pudding pie. "radioactive ooze in a turtle shell," I said on the inside wrapper. Now even though it wasn't any worse than a normal Hostess Vanilla Pudding Pie, just the catch phrases were disturbing.

First, I am not sure if I would want to eat anything that came "straight from the sewers." Like somehow the normal FDA screening was a hindrance to some urban subterranean waste by-product delicacy that just had to be released as quickly as possible to the consuming public, or at least, their children. Next, the fact I was eating something that claimed, without outside wrapper warning, that the substance would trip a Geiger counter. And they didn't stop there, but called it an "ooze," which is more a verb than a adjective or noun, like "a marathon run" or a "Tennessee Waltz." So now not only could this substance cause cell damage and hair fallout, but it wasn't even trying to hide the fact of content
description. Not "Uranium pudding," not "gamma ray connsume," and not even "ionic jelly," but something sounding more sinister, like a Hiroshima victim's suffering, "radioactive ooze." The next description, as if it wasn't bad enough, described itself as "in a turtle shell," which although is not appetizing to most western palates, takes on a more twisted meaning when you realize that a sentient, mutant turtle is presenting it on the cover. Like some cannibalistic cult from the movie C.H.U.D., or from "Yor Hunter of the Future," where he says, "Eat the meat of your enemies, it makes you strong."

It makes me wonder what was going on in the marketing department during the wrapper design. Perhaps it was a joke that had gone too far. Maybe two factions were rivaling for corporate dominance during a layoff, and submitted this work on behalf of another department as a form of subversive warfare. Or, if intentional, what the rejects must have been:

"TMNT Pudding Pies - Gangrine never tested so rot-o-licious"
"TMNT Ionic Jelly - You are ugly, and your parents really hate you"
"TMNT Gamma Ray Connsume - Heil Hitler!"

This entry was originally posted at http://www.punkwalrus.com/blog/archives/00000156.html
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