punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,
punkwalrus
punkwalrus

Insomnia

I am having a lot of trouble sleeping these days. Often, I wake up feeling like I am having a heart attack or something. I am gripped with panic, and I think I have swallowed a ton of air, which is indicative of an asthma attack. That's why you see me posting at some god-awful hour. It's not sleep apnea, I've had that before (I felt like I was suffocating), and it's not heartburn because Pepto/Antacids don't do anything. I thought it was my bed, but I had the same problem at Katsucon in the hotel bed. I thought it was my food, but my "diet change" doesn't seem to have changed anything. I am so sleepy, but the only comfort I can get is by keeping my brain occupied by browsing the web, reading, or watching TV.

This started when I worked the night desk in 1998. I was working that midnight-noon shift, and it just totally ruined my sleep pattern. Add to this, the whole "BBS-that-shall-not-be-named" thing happened at the same time this started, which left me hurt, confused, and very angry. I worked this desk for a year and a half, and after I got another job, I was never quite the same. The problem comes in waves, and in the last six months, it's gotten worse. I know it's related to stress somehow, what with work, my grandmother, money, friends in pain, and just a ton of extra stuff going on. I usually get sleepy around 11pm, and then go to sleep, only to wake up around 1am with the feeling of sheer panic. My heart is pounding, I have obviously been breathing hard, and I have this feeling of loss, fear, and uncertainty like I have forgotten something really important. I get up, go on the computer or read for a few hours, then go to bed, and rest peacefully until I have to get up at 6. I am getting about 2-3 hours a night sleep during these waves, and it's tiring me out considerably. The doctor said it was probably heartburn, but I don't have any sort of reflux, stomach issues, and didn't address the whole nagging, "I must DO something," urgency of the whole thing.

This doesn't happen on weekends, or when I am on vacation, but seems to happen a lot when there are stresses in my life, which is why I think there's something psychological attached to it. I just have this feeling like I should be running around, doing something... anything, but housework is next to impossible because I'd keep everyone else awake. So I usually go down to my den, and work on my computer, rubbing my eyes and yawning like a sleepy toddler, until this weird "sense of urgency" goes away. I also have trouble falling asleep, my brain seems to literally need to tire out before it just collapses.

I have considered seeing a therapist about this, but until I have $60/week mad money to spend, that ain't gonna happen.

n33|> m0r 5l33p! |>|5 5uXX0rz...


This entry was originally posted at http://www.punkwalrus.com/blog/archives/00000399.html
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