While nothing disasterous has happened in a few weeks, my stress level hasn't gone down much. I kind of thought it would, you know? But no. I find myself more and more depressed, now with migranes and muscle aches. I am hoping to go through next week still with a job. I don't look forward to Monday. I doubt anything will get done. I mean, everyone knows about it. This has to be the most "we know what day the axe will fall" I have ever lived through. I have equal fear that tomorrow will suck because people I know and work with will be let go, and I also have equal fear that nothing will happen, and thus the stress of "when... WHENN???" will get worse and worse until it actually does happen unexpectedly. I don't know why we're having layoffs. Our company did really well this last fiscal year. We had a buyout a few years ago where a lot of debt was ammassed, and for the last few years, our division has made tons of revenue from all our clients. But there's always this "restructuring" going on, and being in the tech industry, the Sword of Damocles hangs over each and every one of us.
Like being under a bomb attack, I have gone through the drill in my head on the way to the shelter. "What am I going to do... okay... yeah, I'll do this and that and... oh my God, this sucks I don't want to THINK ABOUT THIS!" [sigh] I have gone through dynamic mood shifts, passing each stage of denial like subway stops gone out of order. I accept, deny, weep, get brave, get chicken, practice all manner of things I will do. I even have my, "Sorry you got laid off, Bill," speech down pat when whomever Bill is gives me his "documentation" so I can do his job. I already have my "Goodbye, it was fun" speech if I get the axe, too. I'm going to leave dignified, like most of my former cowrkers have done over the years. I'm not doing the, "HOW DARE YOU FIRE ME, I'M NOT UNLUCKY... HA HA, NO *YOU* ARE THE UNLUCKY SOBS STILL STUCK WORKING FOR THESE BRAINLESS--" You get the idea. No one ever said, after reading such a letter or hearing such a speech, "Wow... he's right! He sure got us with that impressive talk!" No, we look away uncomfortably. We didn't want to see you get fired, and if we did, we don't care! In either case, leaving in a tantrum never leaves a winning impression. I even have a stock letter I plan to send out, so I don't have to sit and think about it, or post a knee-jerk, "Thanks to this, I'll lose my health insurance" kind of pity party.
Oh well. Next week should be fun.
This entry was originally posted at http://www.punkwalrus.com/blog/archives/00000468.html