punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

The vacuum that is my mattress

I can't sleep. The empty space in the bed next to me makes my stomach hurt.

While I have had my moments of "being alone in a crowd," and while I was obviously neglected as a child, I have never physically lived alone. I lived with my parents growing up, then Bruce, Cheryl, Liska, and Debbie in the FanTek house, then Tim and Anita, and then I got married and moved in with Christine.

When I moved into FanTek, I was kind of worried how I would handle having a house where a whole bunch of... well, really, strangers (as I saw it before I lived with them) lived. We did have our "Real World" moments, but 99% of the time, it was pretty good. I miss a lot of it in some ways. Bruce was a pretty heady person to bounce ideas off of. Tim and Anita, God love them, but I hope they got a divorce, that's all I can say. I'd love to recant the insanity of living with them, but I have forgiven them, and I don't want to paste all the psychodrama of that year all over the Internet because that seems unfair. When I got married, again I worried about living, now sleeping, with someone. I did value my privacy. Now, 15 years later, I still value privacy, but Christine and I have private moments a lot, but have moments together more. I can't imagine living without her.

I'm a mildly paranoid person. In my head, I have plans for events that will probably never happen. "A coward dies a thousand deaths," as the saying goes. One of the scenarios involves what to do if Christine dies. Sadly, this is not a very well planned course of action, because when I think about it, panic and a deep fear of falling takes over, and I have to stop. Suffice to say, if anything happens to her, I will be a mess. If anything happens to both her and CR, I will die. Not by suicide, mind you, but in the same way dogs die a few weeks after their master does. I feel like a coward, but if I did kill myself, I feel all those people I talked out of suicide over the years would think I was a hypocrite. If Christine passes away, I will live for CR. If they both go, I'll try and live for my friends.

I have been so emotionally unstable recently that I have been spacing out for long periods, and have even had short spacing out when in the middle of conversations. Like I'm a stoner or something. It's like I have shorted out, and my emotions are going black, just like they did last March. But to avoid going into that kind of emotional blackout, I have to hold on to the fear and panic, because I have to feel something, even though I am tired and sleepy. Like piloting a ship through some horrible storm when I haven't slept for days, I have been tied to the wheel. I am barely holding it together.

And I swear, if one more person asks how I am doing...

This entry was originally posted at http://www.punkwalrus.com/blog/archives/00000538.html
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