Back when I worked at Springfield Mall, they had this huge meeting for store managers where the head of the Mall PR said that they were borrowing on the advertising budget of the next two years to fund today's ad budget. Uh... stupid. But then I went and did the same thing a few months ago.
Part of our ongoing crisis is that we owe a relative $1000. In cash. I so didn't want to borrow it for this very reason, but she kind of forced it on us while we were weak, and without it, no one could have gotten Fran. We normally are not doing that bad this time of year, but after Fran's death... well, Christine tells it better than I can. Frankly, all the taking care of him, with travel, hotel, food, and the like... I am in credit card debt hell. I tried to back out of Vegas, but that would have fucked over Tracie's wedding (which I am really glad we got to see), plus a lot of stuff we already paid for way in advance to get it on the cheap (Grand Canyon, Hotel, etc.) and thus, was not refundable. That was before we knew about Fran. Funny thing is, we only found out about it because of this big family reunion Christine was planning, but due to lack of interest and money... we ended up canceling. Of course, the thought of Fran dying alone sucks worse, so I would still make the same decision all over again. But as I look at our financial situation right now... I am worrying about Christmas big time. I won't pay off this debt until at least June of next year. And what sucks about credit card debt is the interest. I am used to paying off the balances every month. Now my interest alone is an additional $120/month. Two of these cards were for "emergencies only," and these WERE emergencies, but now we're one more emergency from some serious insolvency. And she wants that $1000 back? I want to say, "Jesus, I am sorry, Hon, but I did tell you that it was a bad idea to loan us money." I knew when she was all "I got this huge court case settlement, pay me back when you want," it was buying a solution today in exchange for tomorrow's problem. And I knew she would turn the "pay me back whenever" to "uh... whenever is now..."
The other job (the one with the raise) is going nowhere. Christine doesn't want me to take a second job, and I know in my heart I might be able to take a second job health-wise. But that voice of guilt keeps coming up, the one where I hear about someone's parent working two jobs and going to night school. Christ, Sean had three kids, a full-time job, and he's going back to college to get a law degree. It's not a fable. I get so angry at myself for reaching so high and falling so short. That's me, the C Kid.
Anyway, amid this purging of guilt of my own lack of aptitude, I am looking forward to having this next week "off," or at least away from my job. The morale of my office is really hit rock bottom, and has started digging. I don't want to go into it, but when people are openly insulting each other in frustration of lack of action under a lack of management... it sucks your soul. Part of me wants to be thankful I have a job I am good at but I have to clear my head a little.
This entry was originally posted at http://www.punkwalrus.com/blog/archives/00000566.html