I can't sleep. I am sure this surprises nobody. Part of me is numb, in a free-fall depression spiral as I shift between hope, denial, and the sucking fear. People sometimes asked why I worked so hard, and truthfully, this is why: I know I can't blame myself. There's literally nothing I could have done to prevent this. The fact that they are completely deleting our entire node testing department is a pretty bold move that I am sure will not be the cost-cutting maneuver they had hoped for, but maybe it was the best of whatever choices they had. It's hard to write anything because I am shock and thinking about 4-5 different things every second. On top of this, my chest hurts, it's hard to breathe, and my coordination is way off. It's like I want to shake, but can't so my muscles just are in this semi-frigid limbo state. There is one part that goes, "I wonder if I'll snap?"
I keep grasping to some facts in the situation to help ease the pain.
- They gave us 30 days. They usually boot you out the door with a few week's pay in compensation. And if we don't find a job in 30 days, we still get the compensation, including all my untaken vacation, all my vested employee stocks, and a bunch of other stuff. Maybe a copy of the home game.
- I get 30 days in which I don't really have anything to do, and have been told to use them to find another job, using work resources. We can even work from home. I plan on doing that Tuesday and Wednesday.
- I really know a lot of shit, and I am really marketable.
- Already I have two job leads (outside the company). It hasn't even been a few hours, but I got 'em.
- There is a good chance any new job in this field will pay higher than I am getting now.
- If I get a new job, I can always try and say my hiring date isn't until after I have been laid off. Then I get compensation AND a new job. That would rule.
- No more working with certain clowns. No more "Manager Mu" pissing contest issues (although he is obviously one of the major reasons this happened). And the smug satisfaction of knowing that me leaving will cause a significant loss for the company. I CAN say that with full confidence.
But there's all kinds of other crap. A lot of "what ifs." The worst scenario, job-wise, is to get laid off in October, and then get no job for two months. That means a loss of health insurance benefits (Christine has some, but she will be the first to admit they suck), a massive liquidation of all our property, and we'll have to sell the house... during the worst season to sell any large item: Christmas time.
Tomorrow (or, as this is past midnight, later today), I have a plan of attack. I have already hit the ground running to find another job. I have all kinds of angles, and while I assume most of them won't pan out, only one has to. I have to turn this depressive funk into a form of useful energy.
This entry was originally posted at http://www.punkwalrus.com/blog/archives/00000601.html