Here's a happy place: "There there's lunch. I eat alone. There is no one to talk to, and they all go, 'I don't want to eat with bucket!'" Ouch. Just... ouch. I did have one friend at school, Steve Moyer, whom I am STILL friends with, but that was after school.
I wonder what else I repressed? Oh, wow. Like right out of some movie...
I finally managed to ask out my crush, Patricia Morrissey, out to the Halloween Dance. I had totally forgotten this, but in a flashback that hit me like a slap, I remember this pretty well, because her reaction, which was really rather exaggerated, was to act disgusted and scream at the top of her lungs and go, "NO WAY!" in a kind of shocked horror, like I had asked her something on the level of asking her to give me oral sex right there and now, bi-atch! I really worked up the courage for about a day, and a whole day's worth of school lessons was lost on me as I nervously planned my smooth moves, what I would say, and how I said it, and finally managed to get her alone in the hallway in front of the cafeteria. Her scream cut me off before I could finish the sentence, and actually quieted the cafeteria. Again, ouch. I can still remember the light in her hair, the sweater she was wearing, and the slightly rank corn smell coming from the cafeteria. When I look back on this, I think this was the pivotal incident that made me decide I would never ask out another girl again. But now, when I hear some of the details, there are a few minor notes. One, I was a fat, pimpled nerd, and she was a popular socialite; I was out of my league. Second, it was a Sadie Hawkins dance anyway, and she was supposed to select a guy, not the other way around. I don't remember who she took, because obviously I didn't go.
I knew this tape would have a lot of pain in it. Part of me wants to reach back in time and go, "Oh, ask someone else! There are a lot of nerdy band girl geeks would would have said yes!" But instead, I have to hear myself say, "Oh well, that's the breaks," in a tone that suggested I was above getting hurt. What's that smell? Sour grapes? Yeah, sour grapes.
But, honestly, this was the time when I decided that sex was out for my kind, and to just suck it up and deal with it. I would never date, never be happy, and have to make peace with this "fact." This, in fact, was a great survival tool in high school, because whereas a lot of my male friends were out to get laid, I stayed calmly behind, laughing with the geek girls at the whole ridiculousness of it all. I made good friends, and never felt sexual tension because I knew there was no point. Girls made good friends, but I would never have one for a lover. And I was okay with this. I felt I was "privy to a secret club."
Thank God I grew out of this and met both: a good looking woman AND a best friend. Yay Christine!
So Particia, if you are out there, I totally forgive you. We were kids, and I am not holding you to that moment in any way. As you can see, it turned out all right in the end.
This entry was originally posted at http://www.punkwalrus.com/blog/archives/00000633.html