punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

A Rant: Not knowing what to do

I should know better. I really should. But I got mad today at someone who I am trying to question why the hell I would want to rescue her. My life has been peppered with rescue attempts, many less successful than I would like. I have talked people down from acid trips, hysteria attacks, and even out of a few suicides. I don't like to talk about them much, because I still know a few of them, and I promised many of them if they would just listen to me, I would never speak of "the incident" again.

A few years ago, one of the burned me quite badly by going on a journey that would improve her life, and then turning a 180 nose dive right back into an abusive relationship at great cost to many people. I mean, I wasn't really hurt except my pride, my shaken faith in humanity, and my general sense of loss of said friend. And then there was that incident earlier this year where someone ran away from home, and neglected to tell anyone, and since her relationship was VERY abusive, we all began to assume foul play and started to... oh, there she is. Nice. Thanks.

In fact, I have been hard pressed to recall anyone I helped out in recent times. I don't know what I want to be, maybe I have a martyr complex. This girl is a friend I have known a long time, and some older FanTek members may remember her well. I knew her even before FanTek. I knew her as a great artist, brilliant as she was tortured. She gave up her true calling (okay, I admit it, what I think is her true calling) to follow the career advice of her dominant mother, who said artwork was useless and stupid, and a grown girl like her should be a college student in a discipline that, as far as I knew, did not suit her at all. So she went to college, studied in a degree she didn't like, got a job on the same career track, and became boyfriends with, and then married a guy who doesn't seem, by her own words, to treat her with any more respect dignity than I think is the bare minimum in any relationship. So here she is, nearly 20 years later, hopped up on multiple layers of antidepressants, unemployed, and sleeping 18 hours a day, worrying about her cats with more care than I think anyone worries about her.

This TOTALLY pisses me off. Not that I think she's lazy, not that kind of pissed off, but the kind of righteous injustice I think that one of the most brilliant minds I have ever known has been left in the gutter and trodden on by life in a very unfair and horrible manner. I literally had visions of hopping on the next flight to the West Coast, going to her apartment, kicking down the door, grabbing her tired ass out of bed by her hair, tossing her in a car, and driving to Venice Beach where I would chain her to a palm tree, and feed her fruit juice, healthy sandwiches, and vitamins for two weeks while the nutrition, surf, and sun cleared away the fog of nearly a decade and a half of chemical miscreants.

Of course, federal law frowns on kidnapping people, I can't drive a car, and I wouldn't have the gumption to stay awake before she finally escaped from her chains, and went back home to the cozy and suffocating blanket of depression and woe. I don't even have the money for the tickets. And then I have to repeat to myself people have to want to change, and she has to do this on her own.

EEUURRRGGHH!!! But I get so mad, so angry, and so indignant that she's ended up like this. I read her sparse blog entries, saw her shops on eBay, and I see her so much more objectively than she could ever admit. I feel like I should be loyal to the friend I knew back in high school, because she wouldn't let me down. She never did. I feel I owe this to her, but then I feel I am being all dramatic and that she's a different girl now, and then part of me goes, "NO NO NO NO NO NO!" like an adamant child.


I keep feeling like it's Gods' will, and that it is part of "the plan," and things happen for a reason, but what if the plan includes me rescuing her?

I don't know. I simply don't know.

I am praying for you, hon. Someone out here still cares about you, and carries that candle.

Please get better.

This entry was originally posted at http://www.punkwalrus.com/blog/archives/00000670.html
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