punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

Stuff I'll be Doing for Balticon

I got my list of programs I'll be doing for Balticon this year, and they have me on a lot! Gees...

Friday 3:00 - Themes in Marine Hydrotheosophy: Panelists explain current trends in the dynamic scope of hydrotheocratic ideas in post-modern fiction. Can sci-fi compete? See historical contexts and some of the current literature. Note: due to the nature of one of the guests, we ask no flash photography.

Friday 7:00 - Creative Juices: Got writer's block? Unable to finish that last great novel? Panelists explore uncommon techniques, such as writing upside-down, underwater, backwards, or in a shed while monkeys bang on them incessantly. It worked for Leonardo DaVinci!

Saturday 12:00 - Necromantic Theories - Fact vs. Fiction: Can you actually raise the dead? How does that affect real estate prices in your neighborhood? Where fantasy and horror authors often get it wrong. Panelists include and ex-Zombie, a mopey pre-teen goth, and some guy with a beard who read the Nocrinomicon and swears it's real and everything.

Saturday 3:00 - How I Survived Amway: Three ex-Amway salespeople explain the cult fanaticism behind pyramid marketing, and how this can be used for themes in sci-fi. Includes slides, product examples, and sign-up sheet. Please bring photo ID and credit card.

Saturday 5:00 - Fossils from the Hippipsittacine - Too strange not to be real! These strange, horse-like creatures with beaks were known to sustain themselves on apples, carrots, sugar cubes, sunflower seeds, and crackers. Paleontologist Tom Holtz presents blurry slides of these bizarre creatures, as depicted in tempura paint by Mrs. Keller's 4th grade class.

Saturday 6:00 - The Art of Cheap and Reliable Time Travel - Part 2. Arrival point for successful students.

Saturday 7:00 - Writing for Enormous Profit - Panelists explain how writing sci-fi and niche fiction can earn you unwieldy gobs of money. Don't know how to write? No problem. We'll teach you that just a few words a day can earn you gross quantities of wealth and attract all kinds of beautiful people who will regard you as a sex god(dess). Free shoeboxes stuffed full with $20s given away to first 100 attendees.

Sunday 6:00 - The Art of Cheap and Reliable Time Travel - Part 1. Learn how to travel 24 hours back in time, using only tin cans, some bits of string, glue, gold spray paint, and macaroni noodles. Note, don't be late, or you might find the room empty!

Sunday 6:15 - The Art of Cheap and Reliable Time Travel - Part 2. Arrival point for unsuccessful students.

Actually, I am not doing any of these panels. I just wanted to give daecabhir a heart attack.... and a cheap laugh.
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