punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

On Feline Kingdoms

I got Artoo's remains back from the vet yesterday. I repressed using the same joke I did about Oreo, "Oreo, man, you lost weight!" because when Artoo was put to sleep, I think he weighed maybe 4 pounds (down from 8). I think the box his ashes are in weigh more. I put them on the nightstand, by my head, and spent a lot of yesterday in a daze of ennui. I fell asleep at 9, and the night went by with light interrupted sleeping.

I have spent a lot of time wrestling with the concept of getting another kitten. The logical side screams, "NO!!! You have three cats!!! Are you insane? You'll be the crazy cat owner everyone makes jokes about!" Well, to be honest, my logical goal is to go down to 2 cats, and stay a 2 cat owner until I die. But then there's the part of me who wants another cat like Artoo, who slept with me, came when I called, and so on. I mean, Artoo and I were very, very close. If I believed in witches' familiars, he'd have been the star candidate. I have had Oreo, Mikey, and Pookie die ... but it never felt this bad. The last time I felt this bad about a cat is when Daisy died in 1986. She was my confidant growing up, and sometimes my only friend. We were pretty close as a teen. But I feel these cats are not chosen, they simply come to me. There was a 6 year gap between that kind of pet relationship, and right now, I don't think I can wait 6 years again. I feel pathetic, but it does feel like some significant part of me is gone, more than I expected. I have tried to bond more with Storm, but she doesn't need people, really, and I feel kind of cheap, like, "Well, you'll have to do..."

No one likes to be in second place that way.

The cat politics have shifted, as expected. Storm is now bolder with her presence, which seems to be the center point of some continuing feud that started a few years ago. Cosmo doesn't like her that much. I suspect it's a power play, but the random element here is he's locked in CR's room at night, so Storm is top cat at night now, and so it never gets resolved. Thisby is out more now, too. She's jealous when Storm gets attention to the point when you call Storm's name, Thisby shows up first. Thisby also tolerates me more, and I can even pick her up now, although if something spooks her, she's all claws and teeth. I have a really bad scar on the inside of my left arm because of one of those moments. Not only did her back claws gouge up my arm, it left a bruise, too.

So I am left with a cat who doesn't really need people, one who is totally crazy and brain-damaged, and a cat who have taken up someone else to own. Artoo was great because he really filled in the role for top cat; all the other cats seemed an accessory to him.

But having a net kitten would totally uproot the political structure once again. I am sure Cosmo would hate him. He would probably beat up Storm, and Thisby would hide under the bed again. So, it makes sense not to get another kitten...

... but I feel so lonely and lost without Artoo.
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