punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

Thoughts on no sugar, much depression, and exercise

I think I walked too much yesterday, because my legs hurt like I overexerted them. Oh well, that's actually a good sign, IMHO.

I'd also like to say I have been off sugar since last Monday, but that's not really true. Because I was kind of depressed over the weekend, I did eat 4 "Skinny Cows" ice cream wheels and had half a glass of non-diet Pepsi by accident (I thought it was diet). But it's still kind of cool I was able to not just give up and just start eating sugary things again. There have been times this time around where I have been REALLY tempted, especially at the stores, and I had to go through this self-educed "flashback" of how unsatisfying sugary things really are. It's true, which helped be start off this thing in the first place. It got to the point I'd eat half a box of Little Debbies in one sitting, and I still felt like I needed something else. I kept saying, "Eating these things isn't filling the hole; it is distracting you from what will fill the hole." So at the store last night, in the cookie isle, I had to force a flashback of that, "Nah... that wasn't what I wanted. What IS it?"

I think that's part of the trick of depression, it's like you go through life feeling you need something that's not being satiated. And some inner frustration starts to eat away at you.

So I have also lost weight. This may not really be the result of cutting out sugar because I am still eating crappy fatty foods, but I think it's partly the sugar, partly the depression (after Artoo died, for the first time since I was a kid, I felt so horrible, I don't want to eat), and partly the cold weather, where I always lose weight because I am burning more calories just to stay warm. But it's nothing to brag about because I went down from about 335 to 325 (according to the doctor). My goal is still 220, so I have a long way to go...

I really wish I could turn around my revulsion to exercise. I mean, my hatred of it is connected to memories so deep, I don't know how I am going to untangle it all. I recall about 12 years ago, I was at a sales meeting, and two gay managers started fussing over me about how it was a shame that someone with my frame didn't work out. "My God," said one, "you have the frame any body builder would dream of. You should really work out. I am serious! Don't let that natural build go to waste, man." It was actually kind of an ego boost, and I still cling to that one complement as hope that I might some day work out and be healthy.

I keep thinking that's one major problem I have, and a lot of people have, towards exercise. It's work without immediate results. You really have to convince your body to go through all this pain because of some big future payoff that most haven't even felt once in their life. "Just believe me," I tell my body, "when we are thinner, we'll be lighter, less tired, and feel much better." NO! Screams by body, like a 3 year old having a tantrum. NO NO NO!!!!!

Being negative never helps. I think some people diet and exercise not because they want to feel good, but deep down, it's a punishment for being fat. "Take THIS, you fatty fatty two by four! HAH! Being fat? Huh? Fatso?? Now you'll have to suffer because you were BAD and got FAT you stupid fuck!" I think those people fail, too, and I am trying not to think this. I am trying to develop the mantra, "Exercise cleans the soul, will make you feel better, and you'll get more housework done, which means you'll be less behind, and then feel less frustrated..." I am trying to use the carrot on the end of the stick way, like with not eating sugary things. "See? A little farther... and you don't have to spend money on things that make you unhealthy... just think, you are doing your body good AND saving money!"

A lot of people give me good advice about exercising, but sadly, they don't understand the root of the problem. The best way I can describe how hard it would be to get me to like exercise is like if you were told, "If you go out into the suburbs once a week, and kill an innocent child, after a few weeks, you'll get a new paint job on your car. After a few months, you might get your car's engine replaced with a better one. After a year or so, you'll get a new car entirely. But to keep that new car, you'll have to keep killing." I would imagine most of you would go, "I don't need a new car THAT bad," or "Gaaah, kill an innocent child, are you insane???" This is very similar to what I have to fight; it's almost a moral quandary going against years and years of bad learning. Now, those who just said to themselves, "You don't have to kill children to exercise," are missing the point. I am using the comparison of how deep this revulsion goes; the hatred to exercise is rooted in some many memories, insecurities, and promises I made as a child and teenager, that it will take a long, long time to "reprogram" it.
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