punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

How Punkie sees the media thrusting sex at him

I don't like it when sex is thrust in my face so obliquely that I'd have to have the mental capacity of a retarded preteen to actually overlook the brashness of the media. Here's an example of what I mean [link has a slightly PG-13 look, women in teeny bikinis]. I don't even know what this movie is about. How can I? I guess I could watch the trailer, but I'd be embarrassed to, based on this still ad alone. Let's see this poster with Punkie's eyes, shall we? From left to right:

Woman number one. Here's a gal who looks like she was caught in mid-sneeze; saying "aaa" in "aaa-CHOO!" She's got the body of young teen she-male. Teeny boobs which are made to look bigger by an even smaller bikini that doesn't leave much to the imagination. Her airbrushed stomach blends into a satin white modesty plaque that gives one pause via a shadow on her left thigh like it barely fits her ("oh," I am supposed to squeal, "could it come off and show me ... things???"), and the creepy pelvic lump in the center makes you question how much duct tape she uses to keep it pulled back. She has almost no hips worth speaking of, and this confused sexual package is topped off with a masculine face and bleached hair job that I am sure is going for the "wild and unkept" look, but it makes her hair look like it's been parted about an inch above her left ear. Let's leave her to the gay photographer who is thinking of 12 year old boys, since she's probably not that important, being partially covered by the man in front of her and all.

The next guy should have a name like "Rexx Steele" or "Jack Stonehead." Look at how he carries that... harpoon? Sword? Anal probe? I am not sure what that phallic object is, thrusting at us like the cold steel of his faraway stare. For a man who obviously shaves his chest, you'd think he'd shave his face, too, but I suppose when you work out at the gym as much as he does, you let some things slide. He's wearing some scuba gear on his bare skin, and somehow is not chafing something fierce. Get a wetsuit, dude! Or maybe he has one around his waist. Speaking of waist, this belt doesn't fit too well, either. If I was wearing all those woven nylon straps, I'd make sure they fit more snugly before they got caught on, say, a huge harpoon I was holding. He's staring far away, past the camera, past our point of view, as if to say, "Is... that some guy trying to break into my car?" And that haircut really makes his ears look big. And you know what they say about big ears on a guy, right? Yeah. He looks like a dork.

The next figure who is slouched like someone who's had to wait a long time in a DMV line is Woman #2. I suspect she's the main character, or maybe just her boobs are. She looks totally bored, doesn't she? Her unfocused eyes gazing at the blurred lines of something right above our heads. Her lips look like she's been hit by a huge softball or been stung by a bee. Ever get a bad injury on the lips? Yeah, they swell up like that. I would imagine if this girl to talk, she's sound like Mushmouth from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids. I also like the generic ethnicity she has. She could be white with a tan, half Latino, or maybe even part black. Something for everybody! (sorry, Japan) Note her belly button has been pierced. This draws your attention to the fact that, unlike She-ra #1, she has curves. Her bikini bottom doesn't match the pretty blue nipple-less top. Its gray color suggests it might be underwear, but she's so brash and bold, she can wear undies in public if she tosses on a bikini top. Woo! I guess the photographer was going for, "teh sex-hay," but I suspect he's gay, and just bored his subject. It is here I notice the gals are not wearing scuba equipment. I guess one learns to hold their breath for a long time after all those blow jobs. [Punkie, can you SAY that?]

The last guy looks like Lloyd Bridges back during his Sea Hunt fame. "By now, my lungs were aching for air!" He's wearing a pair of novelty shorts that are far more interesting looking than he is. His confused hair style looks like one big cow-lick. I am guessing he's "Buddy to Jack Stonehead" in the film. Possibly betrays everyone with his cowardice at the end. Again, no shirt, but the scratchy straps that hold his drooping scuba tank to his back are accented with a little American flag. So let's give him a salute, and he says in this picture, "Gees... the sun is really BRIGHT today..."

What a fucking funny montage, Punkie!Another thing I noticed is they are all standing in water a little higher than knee-deep, and yet none of them are damp. I also noticed by the shadows on their faces that they were all probably photographed separately, and put together in this oceanic backdrop in the editing room. They might have wanted to complete the illusion by getting the left side of the ocean the same color as the right. The left side reminds me of Hatteras on a cloudy day, and the right looks like Cancun. Lloyd fared better, here. None of them even LOOK like they are in a group photo. Usually, when you film a group of people, they are all looking in one direction, but this has to be the most unnatural set of group poses I have ever seen since "Dawn of the Dead."

But they don't care. MGM wants to hit you with sexual innuendo having the subtlety of a flying mallet. In fact, I can just imagine some guy thinking he should just beat the audience with a large wooden picket, screaming "TITS! OKAY??? SEX TITS!! GET IT??? SEX SEX SEX SEX!!! YOU WANT TO PUT A PAPER BAG OVER YOUR SORRY-ASS HEAD AND FUCK THIS FILM!!!!"

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