punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

  • Music:

Life's Little Annoyances

When I was a little kid, my mother had a collection of paperback books for the Peanuts comics dating back to the 1950s. I read those a lot as a kid, over and over. I identified with Charlie Brown a lot; I felt like a fat loser with bad hair who had terrible luck. But I also felt like I was Linus, who seemed to have a better grasp of a situation than his peers, only to be ignored.

One strange bit of wisdom Linus said that I’ll always remember was, “No matter how hard to try, you can never throw a potato chip.” It’s true. You can try, but no matter how hard you throw, it never goes very far. And unlike most nacho chips, you can’t whip them like a mini Frisbee* or shuriken.

This is also why I never chew gum very much, because it always seems like no matter how accurately I spit or toss a paper-wrapped wad of gum, some tiny part of it sticks to my teeth or fingertip just long enough to alter the path I was intending before letting go and taking some random path that is never quite near the garbage can. Then, the wrapping will open face-down, and stick to whatever it hits, usually the floor, but if it can, the side of my leg. It’s bad enough when it’s on your slacks, but for those readers of the fairer sex who engage in the weekly ritual of making one’s legs aerodynamic for stockings and bathing suits, I will remind you that the menfolk have these leg cilia attached to nerve endings that, when gum is torn from them, will cause a “moderate discomfort, resulting in bilabial exposure of the front dental area, followed by an vocal expression similar to watching a fellow male get hit in the testicles by softball bat.”

* Wham-O Inc. wants me to let you know the legal name for this is “plastic novelty flying disk” when not actually referring to the brand name of FRISBEE, so in this case, it might be known as a "tuber-based starch novelty flying dual-radial saddle-shaped disk."
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