When you gotta go... (warning, gross)
Okay, so the craziness started as I left work. When I got to the Silver Spring Metro, I see this rather large lady squatting in front of the entrance next to the newspaper stands. I think this is a rather strange way to be be standing in front of the Metro entrance, but when I get closer, I see that she's got her stirrup pants down around her shins, her thong underwear around her thighs, and is she... yes, YES she IS! OMG, she's taking a massive dump. As in excreting personal gastric waste on the sidewalk in front of the entrance.
How do you handle something like that? I mean, I had to get past her to get to the Metro. After seeing a steaming log coil on the ground underneath her, I shunned my eyes, and walked around her as quickly as I could, side-stepping the rivulets of waste trickling downhill towards the curb. As I passed her, she stood up, and started shouting to the sparse crowd near the entrance, "You aint never seen a girl piss before???" she screamed. Metro personnel paced nervously in the station, but didn't try and do anything.
She didn't look like a homeless person. I mean, she was dressed in professional clothing, had a cell phone and purse, so I assume she was not relieving herself out of necessity. I have two theories. One, she wasn't allowed to use the bathroom in the station for employees only, and was making a personal protest. Two, she was batshit crazy and off her meds. Since I had the camera phone with me, I briefly thought about taking a picture as proof of the Metro insanity, but I thought a graphic illustration might be unwise, so I just ran run the escalator and tried to get that steaming image out of my brain.
Jack the Ripper, I presume?
Then, while waiting for Christine to pick me up, a guy dressed like some 18th century gentleman was pacing about, arguing nervously with himself. His voice was low and quiet, so I couldn't hear what he was saying, but I shit you not, he was dressed like a an actor getting ready for a part in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, or Jack the Ripper. Knowing this is a bit hard to swallow, I did manage to take a picture of this guy, just as proof that weird shit happens to me. I tried not to stare, and I could only take the picture pretending I was looking at my cell phone to make a call, so I only have him from the back.
Was he late for a play? Dressed this way to attend someone's prom? Just killed someone dressed as an 18th century harlot? "Wot's all this, govna... eeeowww, don't stab me, wit that knife... 'ere you can't--- OOWW! That bleedin' 'urt!"
Pull the lever on the train, and it gets the hose again...
So, there I am, wet and cold because I no longer have an umbrella (another entry), and some bozo running late runs through the Metro doors as they are closing, and gets his arm stuck in the doors. He's a brawny guy, so he starts yanking in short, hard bursts to free his arm. No dice. The doors don't open, so some people on the train start to panic. One of them runs to the other end of the train to call the operator on the speaker phone, and then another woman pulls the emergency brake. Meanwhile, the doors open, and the guy pulls his arm in, and all is well, right?
Keep in mind, we hadn't started moving, so the woman pulling the brake was kind of a strange act, but now, we couldn't move at all. Finally, the operator came back through all the cars and tried to fix the brake to go back, but it wouldn't. I called my boss, and said, "I am gonna be late..." the operator tried over and over. He pulled the panel back and tried to yank and tug the cables behind the walls, but to no avail. Finally, another Metro guy in a reflector vest shows up, and the two of them manage to fix it.
As we were going downtown, since the Metro car was way late, TONS of people got on. I mean, it was packed solid in my car. All the while, the guy in the vest kept interrogating the woman who pulled the brake, and the woman was flipping out about it. At another stop, some Metro police came on, and that made the woman even angrier, and finally they took her off the train, repeating she wasn't in trouble, they just wanted her to calm down.
All the while, I kept hearing parts of a message that something was wrong with the Red line (the other half of my journey). From Vienna to Metro Center, I kept hearing, "Baw waw waw maw mo taking the Red line to Silver Spring waw aw wawaw Rhode Island Avenue waw awa maw maw waw faw faw Metro regrets the inconvenience..." What? What? Stop mumbling! I asked other people if they hear what the announcer was saying, and even a Metro employee shrugged. I got on the Red line, wondering if the Red Line was stalled at Rhode Island Avenue, a few stops before I needed to get off. The mumbling sounded like there was some accident, and then near Union Station, the train just stopped in the dark tunnel. Great. I cant use my cell phone, I'm like 30 feet underground in a concrete tunnel. Finally we got moving again, and I never did figure out what that message said, but I got to Silver Spring fine, before the skies opened up and I got soaked walking to work.
No more crazy people, please. I'm full.