punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

What was I posting about again...?

I forgot my cell phone today. [sigh...]

It's amazing I can exist in modern society. My brain is a torrent, a vast flow of thoughts, like water from escape valves of the floodgates of a huge dam. My short term memory is incredibly faulty, and my long-term memory isn't so great, either. My brain also finds "habits" to be hard to keep. For instance, I could do the same thing at the same time for years, and then suddenly stop for no reason. The only way to ever remember to do anything on a regular basis is have it hooked up to some external event as a trigger. Other than that, I am lucky if a thought is ever seen again, and if it is, I find it bedraggled and waterlogged on some distant shore like battered driftwood.

For instance, brushing my teeth. I shower every morning. If I don't, I get greasy and nasty pretty quickly, so that habit in enforced by nature itself. In the shower, I get hit by water, and that reminds me to take three steps: soap, shampoo, teeth. I wash myself, shampoo my hair, and then brush my teeth. Yes, I brush my teeth in the shower. If I don't, I will forget as soon as the shower is over. Literally. I am shocked and alarmed how quickly I will forget something. I could go to the kitchen to get food, forget what I wanted to get in the kitchen, and then I am in the kitchen, trying to remember why I was there. Sadly, I'll see dirty dishes, think I am too tired to do them, and then leave. With no food. I will go so long without eating, I get dizzy, and I have done this for so long, I connect dizziness with eating. This kind of stuff happens to me several times a day. So I'm in the shower, getting hit by water, and I think... what do I do now? Oh yeah, soap, shampoo, brush teeth. 1-2-3. Now, if I need to shave, which I can tell while washing my face, that adds an extra step, and very often, my teeth go unbrushed that day. Not because of time or desire, I literally forget because my brain can't handle 4 steps early in the morning.

Today, I was on my way to the nightstand to get my cell phone. From the edge of my bed, I got up, reached for the phone... and there's a blank. I don't have my phone with me, and as I inventory my mental snapshots for this morning, I don't remember putting it on my belt. What probably happened was this: as I reached for the phone, something happened that interrupted my thought process. It doesn't have to be traumatic, like a tornado or incoming guerilla fire, it could be as simple as seeing my cat on the floor. "Oh look," says my brain, "it's Storm. I wonder if she has food?" BAM. I have forgotten what I was reaching for, it's all over. Why is my hand in the air? I must have been stretching...

Dammit. And it doesn't even matter if I have been putting my cell phone on my belt every day for 5-7 years. I can stop randomly and never remember again.

I wish I could say this came with age, but this has been pissing me off since I was a kid. Of course, my parents yelled at me when I was a kid on how forgetful and "lazy" I was. Like they'd ask me to do something, and on my way to doing it, I got distracted. I didn't mean to, but I got in trouble for it anyway. This turned into frustration, being a control freak, and self-loathing. I can't trust myself at all, and that's the worst. Concentration is a joke, and boredom is my mortal enemy. My biggest weakness is if someone asks them to remind them of something later. Ha ha. Forget it. And they act all put-out like I don't want to to, and I want to say, "In 20-30 seconds, I'll probably forget it. Not because I don't want to remember it... I simply can't." They never believe me because their have memories of iron and stone, and mine are like drawing letters on the shore before the waves erase it. I have chanted a reminder to myself, and forgot to do what I was reminding myself to do because I was concentrating so hard to remember it in the first place. That's so very pathetic.

The best I can hope for is some miracle. Some event that will trigger a memory or reminder. And that's out of my control, so... so much for remembering to give someone a phone message or tell them so-and-so is looking for them.

I bet I will get senile real early. One of my "lack of motivation" problems about my health is the realization that living past 60 may be futile. By 60, I fear I'll be some doddering old fool, a burden on someone like my poor son or wife, who should be living their life and not taking care of some old guy who forgot to put his pants on, and is now roaming the shopping center thinking it's 1975.
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