punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

On Posting to the world...

I am so depressed, it's crushing me. I have this general feeling of angst, anxiety, and frustration I cannot seem to pinpoint. I don't even have a reason, really, and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I guess it's chemical. Bleah. On top of that, everything is just off-balance. Lots of little things.

My arthritis hurts. I have a pinched nerve or something that's making my back, neck, and ends of my pinkies numb, sore, and/or tingly. I am tired, even though I got 8 hours sleep. My stomach hurts, but I don't think it's a virus or any sort of sickness, just a general soreness and feeling of unrest. My mouth tastes like sour milk no matter what I eat.

All day, I keep running into things I don't know how to fix, stuff I thought I could fix but can't, or another one of those, "I have been working on this project for weeks, only to find out someone, oh yeah, forgot to tell you, already did it [or isn't needed anymore]."

All minor shit, nothing new, no disaster, no crisis, but I had to whine.

But while we're talking about whining...

Recently I was reminded of the drama an online post can generate when friend of mine had some journal entry blow up in his face. It's sad, but sometimes you just don't know what will spark off someone. I left 3WA because Ms. Astruc assumed I was "secretly writing about" something which she never defined, but apparently not only was I secretly writing about it, I had the facts wrong! I never did figure out what it was, but there you go. It happens. It's happened to me before, and no doubt it will happen to me again.

About seven years ago, I wrote a review about a convention I was helping out at. I forget which con it was, but it was one of the sci-fi ones. I made a comment about how every time I went to look for a person (we'll call Jane), I couldn't find her. That's all I said, and I only mentioned it because I wanted to say hello, and felt bad I missed her. But apparently, I hit a nerve saying that, because there was "this thing" that had happened where she was accused of "neglecting her post." I was totally unaware of "this thing," but just because made a comment I couldn't find her, I got hate mail from her, her friends, and then it erupted into the volunteer mail list, and then some of my friends joined into the fray, because they thought I was being attacked without reason; they didn't know about "this thing," either. Back and forth, back and forth. And I was the fulcrum, the scapegoat, for this matter, even though it was Jane who flaked in the first place (or didn't, depending which side you were on). Then people analyzed my review like the Abraham Zapruder home movie of the Kennedy assassination, picking out what they wanted to see, and how I was on one side or another. Then I was accused for starting "this thing" for the pure and sick joy of watching people fight. When I removed the offending comments, I was accused of "backtracking," and "exposed" like I should have been ashamed of removing the comments, and I was like, "Hell YEAH, I am backtracking!! Wouldn't you?" It sure scared the crap out of me to do a review on anything ever again, especially cons. My reviews were so bland after that, especially ones I was volunteering at.

Then I saw the same thing happen to someone else over another convention a while back. Someone said something that he or she overheard someone else say, and when it was all over people quit or were booted out. I still don't know who's in and who's out, and I'm not taking a damn side if I can help it. Life is too short for politics between volunteers at a sci-fi and/or anime convention, for chrissakes.

Now in the more modern days of blogging, this is much more volatile, and happens so quickly, you could have entered in a journal entry about your cats, stepped away from the computer for an hour, and come back with your inbox filled with hate mail because your comment, "cats are relaxing to pet," became, "I think minorities would be burned alive and have their children enslaved," for reasons you will never quite be able to understand, and others won't explain because they aren't speaking to you anymore. [You racist pedophile!]

Some things I won't post or come near. It's not easy; this weekend alone I had two very impacting events happen to me or my friends, and I can't even allude to them in a vague manner without the risk of exposing personal secrets they trusted me with (or don't know I found out). I have to also accept that even an entry marked "private" could be hacked someday, and then it will be shown for all to see, probably at the worst moment.
Preacher: If anyone knows any just cause why you may not be lawfully joined together in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
Wisecracker: Yes! The groom got drunk and slept with the brides's best friend's sister at Evecon 21!! Punkie put that in his journal, I saw it was private, but then the LJ servers crashed, and I saw EVERYTHING!!! NOOOO!!!! Punkie would have wanted me to stop the wedding!!!

[For the record, no I wouldn't]

So I sort of get stuck in this limbo of telling the truth, unless it will come back to haunt me, or someone I care about. And I am not the only one. Recently, I saw someone rant about their dad and what an ass he was. Then the dad posted a comment as a form of rebuttal, and then the thread vanished. I bet things were REAL interesting in that house for a while.
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