punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,
punkwalrus
punkwalrus

Aftermath

I envy those who can cling to denial. Normally I can't stand people who blame others for their problems, but I wish I could for just the next few days. Sadly, my crippled honor system prevents me from functioning as a normal human being, and I am forced to admit that none of this was anyone's fault by my own poor planning. I actually found myself praying for some technological miracle. I didn't get much sleep last night, because I spent a majority of my nighttime either looking up how to repair a Linux RAID5 array, or trying not to think about the situation at all because I was so freaking out.

I am ashamed I am over-reacting in this manner. With everything that has happened in the last few years, you'd think I'd be all calm and nothing would bother me anymore. But the sad fact is, the phrase, "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger," I can now say does not apply to me at all. In fact, it's amazing just how quickly I fall apart. Right now, it's all I can do to be at work and not cry for the next 8 hours.

Over data. Fucking bits of ones and zeroes on magnetic media.

On top of this, I also had a bad credit card scare when my card was declined at the Metro machine that updates my Smart Trip card. But a call to Citibank later, I got a reassuring shrug of, "They never sent us anything to decline, and no, you have several thousand left on the card, and them telling you we denied it is bullcrap." Okay, the guy didn't say "bullcrap," but essentially the message "approval denied by credit issuer" from the Smart Trip machine must be a default message for "we suck at error messages."

I tried anything to escape thinking about the situation for a while. So I did some writing, which is a form of escape, right? Chapters 4 and 5 got done, the work count is just a few hundred shy of the 15k mark. Work also helps, since at work, I don't have time to think about crap at home. And takayla told me she didn't lose than much data since she was just using my Linux box for backup anyway.

She still loves me, and I still think I get much more out of this partnership than she ever will.
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