punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

Depressed musings

This is just been a bad week or so.

One of the things I have noticed, especially with the journals, is that bad luck seems to happen to my friends en masse. I don't know why this is, but it keeps going. So I fully recognize that a lot of you have been suffering sick relatives, accidents, loneliness, and so on. This just further reinforces my theory that bad luck is sometimes an external force that comes in waves and not centralized to just one person. I picture it like some kind of gale where people get blown around, but how much damage they get (if any) depends on where they were standing when it hit.

The series of annoying misfortunes in my life continue. Did I mention CR jammed his finger? Yeah. That happened last week. And there's a been a lot of major stuff in just the past 5 days that have been horrible, but I won't discuss it because they involve other people, and this is not the New York Post. A lot of it happened to me, true, but some of it is just I feel real bad if my friends suffer and I can't do anything about it.

It's been real hard with everything that has been going on to grin in the face of the storm as the rain stings your face and teeth. Christmas is always stressful, and had it not been for the resolve I made at 18 never to let Christmas get me down, I would have given up the ghost long ago. Christmas doesn't get me down. It's just a winter holiday, and you get out of it what you put into it. Crass commercialism, while annoying, doesn't "make me feel dead inside" or anything like that. The whole "Happy Holidays is just an illusion" seems overstated and trite. But with S.A.D. and hanging out with others who get depressed makes me vulnerable to things that go wrong. For the past week, I *have* been depressed, and while normally I can deal with that, it's been everything else on top of my poor stability that makes it worse. People are crabby, and I try to be a pillar of stability, but the fact is that I suck, and I hate myself for being weak.

I tell myself that I don't have God-like powers to fix people's problems because I would completely fuck up the entire balance of the universe, and the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. but do love you guys, I really do. And if God gives me that magic wand, I'll fix it all, I swear.

Funny, in my head I said, "magic wand again." I wonder what that means?

So I go home, and hide in my den, depressed out of my mind, listening to Goth and trance music while flashbacks of my childhood go by, and I have to fire at them like in a shooting gallery. I recall when my life sucked real bad there for a while, and I said I was tired of fighting. I wanted to curl into a ball and just let the bullies kick me like I used to do as a kid. They stop after you stop moving, I kept saying, hoping a little that this beating would result in my death. As a kid I wanted to die because life was so horrible, and last year I wanted to die just for the rest. It's not so bad this year, but I didn't grow stronger with all the "life experience," I grew weaker. I fear another "attack" like one of the many I have had in the last few years. And I feel one day life's bullies will find that soft spot on my skull, or where I didn't put my spine against the chain-link fence...

... and I will rest forever.
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