punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

Where bad writers go to feast on the scraps of corporations

So, I am watching the Disney channel last night with three kids and an almost-teen. The straight-to-TV movie I was forced to endure was entitled, "High School Musical," which is as generic a title as I can think of, and I swear to the gods, that's its real name. The plot goes like this, and I don't need Inigo Montoya to "hsummurise":

Boy meets girl. Both hate their social stigmas. So the boy (basketball team captain) and the girl (science geek) decide to try out for the school musical. Brother-sister team get jealous and try to sabotage people who sing greater than they do. Also stars misunderstood musical composer and drama teacher who I would have punched if anyone existed like that it real life. Mix well. Serve with happy ending.

Here's the worst part: it was a musical.

The plot complication brings out the brother-sister team who "have always gotten the leads in the musicals since we were five," and are given character stereotypes that makes Team Rocket from Pokemon look like Oscar contenders. I mean, for Chrissake, I never saw a wig so fake since Nellie's curls from "Little House on the Prairie." They also fall under the "Richie Rich" clause where they have access to props and effects that seem to come from out of nowhere and are delivered with pre-planned detail. The story was about as predictable as a Family Circus cartoon, and about as interesting as a Bazooka Joe wrapper.

The school had only one fat person, who played the part of someone who should stay quiet because every line she delivered emphasized fat people are clueless fucks who should just shut up because she's fat you know. Probably eats a lot. Nice. Everyone else looked like a casting call for teen models.

The movie is full of stereotypes. Had this been a movie aimed for someone under the age of 8, which there were three kids present under that, I might have forgiven this, but this was showing at 8-10pm, and it was obviously aimed for the teen market. It was so poorly written, with plot holes and unrealistic characters, it was painful to see what must be part of a writing machine that churns out this drivel. I know what most of you are saying, "Dude... it's Disney! Look what they did to Devo and the Muppets!" and yeah, you are right. But I was forced to endure it anyway because the house I was at had lockdowns on the cable box to only a few G channels, and I wasn't about to hack those, and the kids seemed to like the movie and didn't appreciate what I thought were poignant comments such as the ones I made here.

"Shhhhh! The TV!" said the frustrated 7-year old to me at one point. She ignored my reply of, "Why? What's it going to do?"

At least the older girl knew what a drag queen was. I forgot how it came up, but I think it was a gag in "Fairly Oddparents," and when I asked, "does anyone know what a drag queen is?" the older girl said, "A guy who dresses like a girl," with a disgusted look. Uh oh. Well, ninjacooter, we have a job ahead of us.
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