So yesterday, he asked me to watch the end of “Space Vampires” with him, a 1965 space horror that I explained as, “See... this was SF before Star Wars raised the bar.” Drawing upon years of getting stuck with boring costumers, I noted the piping used on the suits. “Look at those seams; someone spent a lot of time on that suit,” I said. “Not enough,” he said back.
Then we watched “Saturn 3,” which deflated my “Star Wars raised the bar,” theory because, this 1980 Razzie award winner confused suspense with long pauses in editing, with obvious attempts to emulate a science fiction film. In fact, I recall saying, “this film is an example of someone imitating an SF epic, a cargo cult of film making, as it were.” This could have easily been a 30 minute “Twilight Zone” episode dragged out to 108 minutes of Farrah Fawcet’s finest acting since “Charlie’s Angels,” which isn’t saying much. At least we got to see her titties. Sadly, this was negated by seeing more of Kirk Douglas’ titties, and even some of his saggy day-old hams he called his bare ass. Harvey Keitel plays the psychotic bad guy who shatters the good guy at the beginning of the movie, who obviously saw the script. But according to some facts I looked up on the Internet, they didn’t like Harvey’s Brooklyn accent, so his voice was dubbed over by an English actor who imitated a midwestern accent. I shit you not, and it shows. The bland way Harvey seems to deliver lines makes him seem less psychotic than a exercise in awkward accents. Oh, and then there’s Hector, the robot who goes crazy because he’s got Harvey’s brain mojo hooked up via radio. This is also not a film for dog lovers, but if you wondered what would happen if you took tin snips to a Norwalk terrier... ew.
Next up was “Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie,” which it was. Um... the film wasn’t so much bad as it was odd... which I guess is the point. Shockingly, it filled with a lot of homosexual innuendo. Patrick wears fishnets and chaps in one scene, and we get to see Spongebob and Patrick on a hangover after a Goofy Goober all night bender. There were many scenes that just couldn’t be innocent mistakes, especially comments about manliness, lots of effeminate pirates, tough guys dressed like scantily dressed butch cowboys, a lesbian teenaged daughter of King Neptune (who is meticulous about his appearance), a shower scene with Spongebob and Squidward, and gratuitous closeups of David Hasselhoff’s body during a fight scene that takes place all over his backside. I mean, I wanted to scream lines from Rocky Horror at some parts... “In just seven days (and seven nights)... I can make you... a MAAAAAANN.. HA HA HA HAAANNNN...!” I know Spongebob is kind of a cult idol among the homosexual community, and this was obviously filled with a few not-so-subtle homages to PFLAG. I kind of liked that, and so I give this film a “not so bad” rating, because they obviously didn’t take themselves too seriously.