punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

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Doctor's visit

I haven't been well. Not like "cold/flu/bacteria infection" sick, but my blood pressure has been really, really bad over the last few months. The worst reading was 185/120, but the average had been 150-170/100 or so. I have always had heart problems, ever since I was a kid. My parents dismissed it as "dramatic," even when I collapsed on McLean's track field. My heart rate can't get too high or it starts doing misbeats and eventually I pass out. Then I was told, at age 18, I had a serious heart condition that might require transplant surgery. My mother committed suicide a few days later. I told no one for a while.

I spent the next few years in a kind of philosophical funk. I truly believed that I could die at any moment, and I was one heartbeat away from just dropping dead. But the odd thing was that once I got out of my parent's house, and started living "la FanTek Vida," my heart problems all but went away. I got married, and I told takayla I might die tomorrow, and she married me anyway in what she later called a kind of foolish teenaged optimism, and didn't give it much thought.

And then I kept on living...

Truly, there is a part of me that still has this "bonus round" feeling about life; like I got extra credit, but it could run out at any moment. I almost feel guilty, like I am not supposed to be here, and I am taking up somebody else's space. I fully believe that this is mixed with my "Stranger in a Strange Land" life view as a kid, enforced by social rejection and being a quiet outsider looking in and wondering at the motivations of the puppet show around me.

Long story short, I have had three more waves of doctors. The first set didn't really do much other than an EKG, and gave me pills that made me smell like garlic and sweat for the next 8 years. Awesome. Sadly, I didn't become aware of this until another doctor said that it was a side effect, and changed my meds. Then a second wave was by one of the best doctors I have ever had, and a father of a friend of mine. He didn't take it too seriously (as in, was very calm and patient), but gave me a huge battery of tests again that were fairly inconclusive. I went through more pill changes. But he retired, and this new doctor I have now wants to go through it all over again, and I'm not against that... I am just tired. There might also be prostate problems and a look at my kidneys. I went in for more tests today.

I feel like giving up. The last few weeks, I have wondered if I should just assume my life will be short, and not bother with my blood pressure. Just live life until the end in my 40s or whatever. I am going to give this one last try, but if they find another thing wrong with me, I don't know if I can take it. I have allergies, asthma, high blood pressure, migraines, a bad heart, arthritis, obesity, diabetes, and a bad knee and ankle... and on top of that mental problems... if I were a car? I'd be looking for a trade in.

I feel like letting go of the rope and just free falling into the dark chasm of fate.
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