This, and my recent high blood pressure woes, with various stress I can't talk about, has put me in a depressive funk that has rivaled any episode I have had in a long, long time. And the thing is, I know a lot of the stuff is just speculative worrying. Normally, I could talk it out in LJ, but some of it is just too private and involves other people, and has some rather dramatic predictions based on strong hearsay, and I am left wondering what the truth really is? I mean, not just what people tell me, but my own depression clouding things. Person A says B, and I think, "They really mean C... boo hoo hoo..." That's what depression does. And you can't confide in others because it has the
potential to spread gossip. So I have been telling myself nothing I think is real if it upsets me. Awesome.
One thing that upset me, and this is totally not anyone's fault but my own, is last night I was babysitting the Heare kids, and stodgycat made a comment while leaving to one of the kids. "You know how to dial the emergency phone number if Punkie passes out, right? If something happens to him?" I don't have a problem with what he said, it was perfectly reasonable, and his kids SHOULD know that. He has been very concerned of my blood pressure, and I think that is kind of him. But that comment really just twisted the knife in deeper. And this isn't a reprimand, because he's right and should never take back what he said, and that's what hurts the most: I am now at a level in my life where I am the fat guy who could have a heart attack. It just was a reality at an angle I was not prepared for.
A few nights ago, I found myself talking out loud. Not just the normal stuff like, "Where did I put that spatula...?" but whole conversations about various topics that are bothering me. And when I listen, I think, "Wow... you're messed up." I don't "hear voices" in the classic sense like they are external thoughts, but more like certain facets of myself that, in my multitasking brain, can hold 2-3 seats in a forum. And when it goes over 3 seats, and one has to take charge, that one begins speaking out loud. I mean, luckily, it's the sensible "therapist" voice, but the fact it has to shout to be heard is