punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,
punkwalrus
punkwalrus

"Are we limp and hard to manage?"

Friday sucked at work. I can't tell you how much I hate Veritas (software company) and I won't get technical, but have you ever had a bad roommate who you think will be okay and then is great for the first few months, and then they decide to do something life changing, and flip out? Like do stuff you'd never think possible, like cut all the cords off your electrical appliances, take an "upper decker" dump in the toilet tank, and spray paint the TV? [NB: None of those have ever happened to me, but those are stolen anecdotes from other friends] Annoying stuff that isn't entriely destructive, but just annoying and weird enough to make you pissed off? Veritas software's VVR 5.0 has been like that. And this has just wrecked all my projects at work because I have to focus on fixing this instead of actual real work.

This, and my recent high blood pressure woes, with various stress I can't talk about, has put me in a depressive funk that has rivaled any episode I have had in a long, long time. And the thing is, I know a lot of the stuff is just speculative worrying. Normally, I could talk it out in LJ, but some of it is just too private and involves other people, and has some rather dramatic predictions based on strong hearsay, and I am left wondering what the truth really is? I mean, not just what people tell me, but my own depression clouding things. Person A says B, and I think, "They really mean C... boo hoo hoo..." That's what depression does. And you can't confide in others because it has the
potential to spread gossip. So I have been telling myself nothing I think is real if it upsets me. Awesome.

One thing that upset me, and this is totally not anyone's fault but my own, is last night I was babysitting the Heare kids, and stodgycat made a comment while leaving to one of the kids. "You know how to dial the emergency phone number if Punkie passes out, right? If something happens to him?" I don't have a problem with what he said, it was perfectly reasonable, and his kids SHOULD know that. He has been very concerned of my blood pressure, and I think that is kind of him. But that comment really just twisted the knife in deeper. And this isn't a reprimand, because he's right and should never take back what he said, and that's what hurts the most: I am now at a level in my life where I am the fat guy who could have a heart attack. It just was a reality at an angle I was not prepared for.

A few nights ago, I found myself talking out loud. Not just the normal stuff like, "Where did I put that spatula...?" but whole conversations about various topics that are bothering me. And when I listen, I think, "Wow... you're messed up." I don't "hear voices" in the classic sense like they are external thoughts, but more like certain facets of myself that, in my multitasking brain, can hold 2-3 seats in a forum. And when it goes over 3 seats, and one has to take charge, that one begins speaking out loud. I mean, luckily, it's the sensible "therapist" voice, but the fact it has to shout to be heard is
disturbing.
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