punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

I tale from a guy named Bronto

Years and years ago, there was a guy named Bronto in FanTek. He was a handsome dude; muscular and sort of reminded one of a young Michael York (like from Logans Run). He was part of a cable personality duo, “Bronto and the Bear.” I am not sure what the show was about, but sometimes he came to the conventions dressed in a lion skin (as in, wearing it like a chieftain, not in a furry suit). But it’s important to know that Bronto was a big and muscular dude.

So, he once sat down and told us this tale which I am not going to tell as well as he did, but it worth telling. It’s about how he put a seafood restaurant out of business.

Being a muscle builder, Bronto ate a lot. Being a muscle builder on a budget, he was always seeking places of cheap protein. He came along this seafood place in his town that had “All You can Eat Flounder” specials on Tuesday. It need say no more.

The first Tuesday, he sat down and ordered the flounder special. He got one fillet. He smothered it with tartar sauce, cut it into four pieces, and gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp... he asked for more. He also asked for more iced tea and tartar sauce. By the end of the night, he had downed 30 fillets, much to the consternation of the management.

The next Tuesday, he was back. They remembered him around the 12th flounder or so. Slather, cut cut cut, gulp gulp gulp gulp, “more please.” Repeat. This time, the manager came by and asked if everything was okay. Bronto said the service was great. The manager did not look happy when Bronto ordered his last fillet of the evening, #32.

Next Tuesday, same thing. But this time, around fillet #15 or so, the manager sat a few tables away, turned his chair backwards, and stared at Bronto. Bronto figured that the manager was making sure he wasn’t stuffing the fillets in some take-out box under his suit or something. The manager looked really displeased, but didn’t say much, possibly because he feared confronting Bronto directly.

Next Tuesday, the manager got clever. “Tell this man that he can eat all he wants of the fillets... but not tartar sauce.” Bronto always laughed when he came to this part. “No tartar sauce? Clever move. I could only eat about 15 then.”

Next Tuesday, the manager said, “Tell him we’re out of iced tea after his third glass. Only soda.” Soda has bubbles, and thus, swells up in your stomach. Bronto could “only stomach 8-9” without tartar sauce and iced tea.

A few weeks later, the restaurant closed down. They never did have many customers; Bronto said often he was dining with only 3-4 other filled tables even at peak evening periods. But he always felt a little guilty, like he might have put them out of business with “all you can eat” flounder Tuesdays he took great advantage of.

It reminds me of a bit by a comedian who said he was once told by management at an “All You Can Eat” Chinese buffet, “That is all you can eat! You go home now!”
Tags: all you can eat, bronto, fantek, restaurant, seafood
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