punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,
punkwalrus
punkwalrus

I think it's the lack of sleep...

God help me, I wrote a skit. I don't know when was the last time I did this, but it was "The Creul Skit" I wrote after Prune Bran died, so maybe that was 1994 or something. But I had to write this as it was driving me NUTS.

Desert Island

[scene opens to generic light social party]

Dave: [to guests] Okay, suppose you were stranded on a desert island. Who would you want to be stranded with?
Guest1: Oooh... I'd have to say... James Lipton. I bet he's fascinating.
Guest2: Oh! Bridget Marquardt, that Playboy bunny! Rawr!
Guest3: I think Steven Hawking.
Dave: How about you, Biff?
Biff: How did I get on the desert island?
Dave: I dunno.
Biff: How big is the island?
Dave: I... well, that's not the point.
Biff: I think it's a good point. And what do you mean by, "desert island?" Is it totally devoid of all vegetation, or do you mean "deserted island," devoid of all human life, but has the normal fauna and flora of the tropics?
Dave: I... I guess the second one.
Biff: As stated in "Philosophus Autodidactus," by Ibn Tufail in 1105? So mammals exist for food and the like?
Dave: I... guess so.
Guest1: Come on, who would you like to be stranded with?
Biff: It depends. How did I arrive at this island? Am I to assume I will be stranded for good with my guest? Was my guest the reason for the stranding?
Dave: Look, it doesn't matter--
Biff: I think my unwilling hostage would disagree with that.
Dave: -- just pick someone.
Biff: Robin.
Dave: Robin?
Guest2: Robin who?
Dave: You mean Robin of Batman and Robin?
Biff: Yes.
Dave: Why on Earth--? He's not even real!
Biff: You didn't specify that in your query. You simply said to pick someone.
Guest3: Why Robin?
Biff: I'd need the tools in his utility belt.
Dave: [annoyed] Okay, how about someone real?
Biff: Why does that matter?
Dave: Because it just does!
Guest1: If it's for the tools, why not Batman?
Biff: Batman might overpower me.
Guest1: Oh... that's true.
Dave: What? Okay, whatever. Just pick someone else. Someone REAL--
Biff: Look, here you are, placing me in a fictional situation with no back story, and you get upset I picked a fictional character.
Dave: I mean to talk to! This is an exercise in "who would you like to spend the rest of your life--"
Biff: You didn't say the rest of my life, you said who would I like to be with.
Dave: Just pick!
Biff: A squadron of Coast Guard rescue people.
Dave: Oh for...
Guest1: Can I change my answer?
Dave: NO!
Guest1: I don't want to be James Lipton's bitch. He's like a literary Batman...
Biff: That way, I assume we could all be rescued. And Coast Guard personnel are fascinating conver--
Dave: PICK ONE PERSON!
Biff: Out of all the Coast Guard people? I didn't even name them yet...
Dave: No! One person, one FAMOUS person!
Biff: Famous in what respect?
Dave: One we have ALL heard of!
Biff: Tom Holson.
Dave: Who?
Guest2: The crazy homeless guy in front of our office?
Dave: That guy has a name?
Guest3: It's on his cardboard sign sometimes...
Biff: I assume that society has made this poor man crazy. But I bet he'd thrive on a desert island.
Dave: Why on Earth would you want... Homeless Tom? He smells! He quotes Biblical stuff!
Biff: He also has a knife.
Dave: You don't know that!
Guest1: He says he does sometimes.
Dave: You'd want to spend the REST of your life... with Tom?
Biff: Why not? He'd be as crazy as I was after being on a desert island for a while. He might even have some survival tips.
Guest1: I don't want to be Tom's bitch, either.
Dave: Will you stop it with the bitch part?
Guest2: I could live with being Bridget's bitch.
Guest3: Come to think of it, how is Steven Hawking's chair powered? Does he need someone to take him to the toilet?
Biff: Also Tom seems big, but not fatty. If he died, I could eat him.
Dave: Oh. My god.
Guest1: Euch. I really don't want to eat James Lipton.
Guest2: I could eat... Bridget. I bet she'd be stringy, though.
Guest3: You could kill her first. Before she killed you, I mean. Or starved and got real stringy.
Guest2: Easy for you to say, you have a guy already pretty much immobile.
Biff: And he's got that wheelchair.
Guest1: I could roll it around the island.
Biff: Not with all the uneven sandy areas. You could use the motor as small crane to lift things. Until the battery wore out, though.
Guest2: With Bridget, I could have sex with the corpse, too.
Guest3: I wouldn't have sex with Steven Hawking's corpse. There's something too wrong about that.
Dave: Having sex with a dead cripple is somehow worse than having sex with a dead Playboy model?
Biff: I don't think Steven would take kindly to the word, "cripple."
Guest1: I guess James Lipton's corpse wouldn't be too bad. Lot of cushion for the pushin, right?
Dave: I don't believe your people! You're a bunch of necrophiliacs!
Biff: Look, we're stranded on a desert island! You said so yourself. All bets on civilized behavior are off!
Guest2: I'd build a statue to honor my dead common-law wife Bridget. Long after I was gone, people would know of my devotion and love to her.
Dave: I give up. Enjoy your damn party! [leaves]
Guest1: [after awkward pause] So now what?
Biff: If you could be part of any hypothetical situation, what would you choose?
Guest1: Ooh! I'd pick something without James Lipton this time.
Guest2: I still think Bridget's a good choice.
Guest3: I want to pick Robin this time.
Tags: batman, humor, prune bran, silly, skit
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