Last night, I totally broke down. The stress became too much, and I had a nervous breakdown. This is the first one in a few years, and it was at least mild, but finally I got to mourn Brenda's passing, which was something I had swallowed down for so long, it became almost a psychosis. I knew swallowing it down might result in that, so I don't consider it "tragic," any more than knowing the risks of getting into a bar fight or something. But it wasn't just Brenda. It was countless numbers of other things, too, most of which are illustrated in this online autopsy of my personality (cons, friends, work, etc.). But the breakdown occured, and at least my wife doesn't hate me, which is good. So is the fact I feel a little better.
My first nervous breakdown occured when I was about 5. I had the most when I was 12-14, at least 5 of which resulted in suicide attempts. I have only had about 3 or so since I have gotten married. Part of what happens is this: my emotions, all trying to exit at the same time, jam and block up like an ice dam in the beginning of spring. Then, it finally breaks, and floods the system. Part of the problem is the wash of energy created by this flood can't be handled by whatever circuitry controls my outward responses, so some sort of feedback loop starts, and it becomes a self-sustaining chain reaction. I shake, babble, cry, and then wake up on the other side, a little unsure of what happened, and having a vague memory of a total systems meltdown. My father thought they were hysterical, and mocked me when they happened, which to this day is part of the problem with letting go. At least I am not suicidal anymore, which is what always scares me, but it seems that those days are long gone. I think my father might have been trying to get me to succeed, because he just kept egging it on, and that's why the levels of breakdown are not nearly as severe these days, and only last a few hours or so. Although I still feel stupid they still happen.
This is part of why these entries are neccessary (plus the private ones you don't see), so I can reconstruct what might have happened. Of course, I kind of saw this coming in January, which is why I called Colette at said, "I need help with pre-reg," because I feared I might do this right before Katsucon. But Brenda's passing delayed it a few weeks.
More good news is that Christine does NOT have food poisoning, per se. She has the Norwalk virus, and the cure is simply to "wait it out." Looking from the incubation period, she would have contracted it at work last Thursday or so, possible from a bad lunch. She's getting better, but still dizzy and weak. Now I feel bad dissing the Amphora's on this, because, as Christine said, "It's our place." I'll still be wary of it, though.
This entry was originally posted at http://www.punkwalrus.com/blog/archives/00000057.html