punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

Want to do voiceovers? Want to be in a skit? AND not get paid?

Okay, I am making a general casting call for those who want to help me do a little skit for Balticon's podcast. They didn't ask me, but I don't care. I think Paul will take me in if this gets off the ground. This is based on a short story I wrote in 1989 as a reading to do at panels, which was revamped in 1992 for Prune Bran's onstage performance, revamped in 1999 for another live performance, and now being revamped in 2009 for a podcast. Gorm said he was interested, and a few others said they'd chip in.

Keep in mind this is an ALPHA re-write. It will be rewritten several times, to modernize it more (are VHS/Beta jokes funny anymore?), add some more situations, flesh out some parts, and make it more suitable for video. ALSO, I may do a video later in the year for a Anime Con version of C.O.P.S (I haven't written it yet, I want to see if it pans out, but at Katsucon, a bunch of us described a new fetish party, "Kirby Parties," use your own imagination what THAT would be like to bust). But here are some of the parts as they stand *at the moment*. Let me know if you are interested. You won't get paid or nothing, I reserve all rights, but you WILL get credited (if you want). I don't even know how the hell I am going to organize the damn thing. But I have to start somewhere.

Parts and descriptions:

The big parts:
Ace – Our hapless protagonist. A guy who inherited the convention security after the last guy went crazy, and is about to either tear his hair out or burst into tears and can't decide which.
Alex – Ace’s useless sidekick. Kind of a laissez fair kind of guy, burned out, an extraordinarily calm.

The people on the walkie talkies:

Unit Delta – General guy guarding the lobby
Unit Gamma – A entrepreneur guarding the elevator shafts
Unit Omega – Foxhole-style victim from guarding the con suite with bad coffee
Unit Chi – A cautious and shrewd shopper guarding the merchant’s room
Unit Iota – A man with a mission of gold guarding a gushing fountain. I usually did him with a Forrest Gump accent, but I am willing to try others if you think it would be funnier.
Unit Pi – Guarding the costume area. So far a real small part, but this may change.
Unit Rho – The Nerd from the Game room. Very fanboyish.
Unit Theta – Tina, airheaded girl wonder
Unit Beta – Reassigned to guard the art room. Consummate victim, small part for now, but this may change.
Unit Mu – Guarding the movie room, this hapless man with a short temper doesn't ever have the equipment he needs.
Unit Sigma – Our violent and misunderstanding youth guarding the guests
Unit Lambda – The weasel who denies running the convention
Unit Eta – Beavis/Butthead guy, pal of Unit Nu.
Unit Nu – Beavis/Butthead guy, pal of Unit Eta
Unit Samekh – Our Hasidic pal at the wrong convention. Small part.
Unit Psi – Our pal fading in and out
Unit Upsilon – Unit Tina’s… plug. Think Dick Squarejaw and every Prince Charming Stereotype. Small part, but may change.
Unit Zeta –Queen of pain in Yellow Spandex. Female wrestler stereotype.
Unit Omicron – Witness to Gamma’s ticket sales. Small part for now, but this may change.

Other Parts:

Battery – Guy who keeps asking for battery
Supply – Someone who keeps asking for weird things and leaving
Hotel – A loudspeaker announcing convention activities
Voice – Various one-time voices

Security Blanket 2009
by Grig Larson
(with the help of years of FanTek and Technicon security)
The Podcast

[Background is general con noise. I'd like to record various nonsense conversations, so those who play the podcast over and over may get more jokes out of it, but they'll have to try. As the scene opens, the microphone follows through these conversations like a mic through a crowd. Other sound effects like passing a movie room, a video game room, and so one pass by as the hotel announcement continues.]

Hotel: For those of you who have just arrived, welcome to Pandimonicon 3. Opening Ceremonies will commence in one hour.

[more background conversations]

Hotel: The Hotel Che Dundalk would like to remind you there is a “no spitting” ordinance in the main function areas and the lobby. Thank you for keeping our floors clean and slip-free.

[more background conversations, with background sounds of spinning]

Hotel: Pandimonicon 3 welcomes Hal Clement and his new book, “I am not Dead. Why isn't anyone booking me?” He will be giving signings if he were alive.

Voice: [old man] I am NOT dead, come ON! [yes, I know Hal is dead, I may change this]

[more background conversations and noise]

Voice: Hello, this is Security, can I help you-- wait, you can't go in there! Sir? Sir?

[background in security central is steady with mock conversatons]

Ace: [voice fades in as mic gets closer] Aw jees. Aw JEES! Look at this, will you LOOK... Alex? Come on, help me out. Well, so much for logic!

Alex: Now what?

Ace: I am trying to manage this whole damn convention security with a bunch of walkie talkies, and this roster isn’t helping me at all! I mean, have you seen these rules? [Quoting] “PandimoniCon Security Rules(Page 1051) 587 2.0b: In whereas stated in the last section about the following effects caused by said security risk [Section 228 18.4b "Trekkies Carrying Serrated Grapefruit Spoons and Other Violent Fruit-Related Utensils] will be escorted to aforementioned hedonic effect icons and told to assume positive stomatic arches in simile to the icons themselves. If a breach is so noted before opening hours of the Video room on the second day of the con, all offenders shall be escorted to a non-working elevator shaft and let gravity do its justice unless William Shatner is present, then by code 100 31.1r ["Guests Can Do What They Want Rules"], he can do it himself.”

Alex: Yeah, I think that they had their own plans for organization before we came along.

Ace: I just to find out who I’ve got!

Alex: It’s easy, everyone is assigned a Greek Letter, and then they send them out according to that spreadsheet, which is automatically generated on the web by an infinite amount of monkeys attempting to write Shakespeare.

Ace: I mean, I didn’t want to do this! I wanted to innocently watch naked chicks during the anime party, but I was minding my own business when some girl smelling like a heavenly combo of Lotus blossoms, chocolate, and Mountain dew came along and said, `Hey, you hunk of he-flesh, how would you like to impress me and help out with security?' I said `sure' and next thing I know, I have to find half a dozen patrols on a bunch of walkie talkies."

Alex: Hey, what can I do, life is a shit sandwich, man, eat it or starve; and speaking of starving, have some food. [rattle of takeout box]

Ace: [sniffs, coughs] What is it?

Alex: Dunno. Local cuisine.

Ace: [Takes a bite] Hmm… needs catsup.

Alex: So did the cola. But I used it all. [under breath] Dang... another claw.

Delta: Base Alpha? Is anyone at Base Alpha?

Ace: This is Base Alpha. We read you, over

Delta: Base Alpha? This is Unit Delta. We have a code red in the lower lobby. Request solution.

Ace: Code Red. Code Red. That is [sounds of flipping through notebook] That is... Medical Emergency. MEDICAL EMERGENCY??!! What the heck happened?

Delta: [confused by response] Uhh… [long pause] Did I say Red? I meant Blue. Code Blue! Sorry.

Ace: Oh, whew, OK. You need a water break, right?

Delta: Roger.

Ace: OK. Then go take a break. [turns to Alex] That wasn't so hard.

Alex: Meh.

Battery: [enters] Can I have a battery? Mine seems to have died.

Alex: Yeah, sure. Here.

Battery: Thanks. [exits]

Gamma: Base Alpha, this is Unit Gamma on floor nine.

Ace: Yes Unit Gamma, I read you. How can I assist?
Gamma: Base Alpha, we have two Punk Rockers in heavy romantic congress in front of the elevator shaft on floor niner. Request solution, over.

Ace: Auuhuh... A code flesh violation could involve the local authorities. Unit Gamma, we suggest you hose them down.

Gamma: Negative. Fire hoses off limits to non-flaming personnel.

Ace: Um... sell tickets?

Gamma: [pause] Roger. Unit Gamma requests back up.

Alex: [smiles] And you said you didn't know what you were doing

Ace: [shakes head and sighs] I was being sarcastic.

Omega: [with sounds of riots and things breaking] Base Alpha, this is Unit Omega. We have a bunch of rowdy pre-teens in the Con Suite on the Plaza level. Request permission to beat the snot out of them.

Ace: Great... this is just like yesterday's incident with a herd of sheep during a battle demonstration. Unit Omega, this is Base Alpha. Violence will only cause trouble...ah, suggest you calm them down with rational conversation.

Chi: Alpha? This is Chi in the merchant's room. We have a -hold on- [slightly off-mike] NO! I do not think that dagger is worth 30 dollars. Pakistan steel and a plastic handle?! Come on!

Ace: [taps walkie-talkie] Unit Chi? You aren’t coming in strong. What is your problem?

Chi: [“on” mike] Hold on, Alpha... [“off” mike] no! I will pay five dollars! Sold? Ok, good. Do you accept traveler's checks?

Ace: UNIT CHI?! What is wrong? Put down that knife and talk to me!!

Alex: [stunned] Knife? God, I never thought security would get this violent! [thinks for second]... at least, this early in the day.

Chi: [“off” mike] Hold on, I gotta talk to Base Alpha... [“on” mike] OK... We have a code purple in the merchant's room!

Ace: Purple? [flips though the book] Uh, Chi, my book unfortunately had only primary colors in it. What the hell is purple? I forgot if that was break for lunch or take hostages...

Alex: [Hands Ace a wheel chart] It is a combination of Code Blue and Code Red. It means that there is a slight medical emergency that requires water. Someone must have fainted. Or is drowning. It depends what shade it tends toward. This Dial-A-HUEmergency color wheel will help you a little.

Ace: Auauuhhh... [sigh]. Did this help the last guy who ran security?

Alex: [with no remorse] No.

Ace: Unit Chi? Could you tell me if the Code Purple is sort of... ... sort of tending towards a Code Magentish or more of a Code Navy-Bluish?

Chi: [“off” mike] Wow! An original cast photo? How much, considering it is torn here and here?

Ace: Screw it, I'll Get back to you, Chi...

Supply: [enters] Do you have the Opening Ceremonies CD, “Techno Remixes of Don Ho’s Greatest Hits?”

Ace: What?? No…

Alex: James had it last, an angry mob was following him last I saw.

Supply: [running off] Oh, damn…! I am too late!

Iota: [sounds personally urgent] Unit Alpha? This is Unit Iota guarding the Lobby Fountain. Man, I drank too much Zulu Cola at the last poetry reading? Can I take a Code Yellow?

Pi: Unit Gamma, this is Unit Pi. We are in the Costume room trying to confirm a request for chairs on floor nine.

Ace: Hold on, Iota. Unit Pi? This is Alpha. I don't know about the chairs, but could you tell me where unit... [flips though useless patrol rosters]... Unit Tau is? He has some equipment some people are looking for.

Omega: Alpha, this is Omega in the Con Suite. These kids really deserve to be smacked...

Ace: Hold on Omega.

Rho: Is this walkie-talkie on? Testing one, two. Testing one, two.

Ace: Oh, God… [to Alex] It's that guy again.

Rho: Is this walkie-talkie on? Testing one, two. Testing one, two.

Ace: Get on with it! We can hear you!

Rho: Uh, yeah! This is Unit Rho in the game room calling Base Alpha, this is Unit Rho in the game room calling Base Alpha. Do you read me? Over.

Ace: [gritted teeth] Yes, we read. Get on with it! What do you need?

Rho: This is Unit Rho checking in, as per security rules. I am reporting all clear in the game room! That is all. Unit Rho signing—

Ace: [rolls eyes up in complete exasperation] Thank you Rho...

Battery: [enters] Can I have a battery? Mine seems to have died.

Alex: Yeah, sure.

Battery: Thanks. [exits]

Theta: [completely ditzo] Base Alpha? Hi, this is like, Tina.

Ace: Tina? What sort of Greek letter is Tina? Are you on the rosters? [flips through notebook]

Theta: No, silly. My name is Tina. But the masking tape on the side of this cute walkie-talkie says ...ah ...it's a egg with a line through it...

Ace: That's a... [thinks hard, snapping fingers] ... a Theta. You are Unit Theta. Please call yourself Unit Theta until you give back the walkie-talkie.

Theta: Okey dokey, boss!

Supply: [enters] Where did they put the sombreros?

Alex: In the Jamicon 58 Worldcon bid party storage. With the moose, I think.

Supply: [exits exasperated] Oh, of course, the moose! One always stores head wear with hoofed mammals! Jesus…

Ace: Ok. Here you are. According to my notes... you signed on two hours ago, and you are doing the Art Room. Am I correct?

Theta: Oh, sorry: what?

Ace: [exasperated] I asked how things were in the Art Room?

Theta: How should I know? I'm on the fourth floor.

Ace: Unit Theta? You should be on the Plaza level in the Art Room, over.

Theta: But, like, there is this really wild kind of party up here... Some guy with a moose is dancing with this girl, right? And, like, they're doing this striptease thing for a WorldCon bid...

Ace: Report to the Art Room now, Theta!

Beta: Roger. This is unit Beta going down to the Art Room.

Ace: Theta! Not Beta!!! [to Alex] Jesus, Alex! You'd think the Greeks would have had letters that didn't sound so much like each other. How did they run a civilzation?

Alex: They didn't. They died. Romans ran them right over...

Ace: I can relate.

Mu: Alpha? This is Unit Mu in the Video room. We WANT Beta, not VHS. We have VHS players and Beta tapes. We do need Beta! For Chrissake, over an hour ago we sent up that message with Unit Tau-

Ace: Mu? This is Alpha. Did you say you spoke with Tau? Where is Tau?

Iota: [in pain] Alpha? This is Iota. Look, I have been guarding this darn gushing, squirting, and oooh... wet fountain for hours now, and I really need to find RELIEF, get my drift? Can someone keep these people out of the fountain while I go an perform an act most urgent?

Sigma: This is Unit Sigma with the group of guest authors escorting them to the Opening Ceremonies. Request that you stop sending chairs to floor nine so there is room in the elevator for our guests...

Ace: Hold on, guys. Auaughh... do you want to take over while I sort some of this out?

Alex: [laughs] Not a chance.

Battery: [enters] Can I have a battery? Mine seems to have died.

Alex: Yes, yes...

Battery: Thanks. [exits]

Ace: Who's running this con? Anybody know?

Alex: [strokes chin thoughtfully] That, my friend, is one of the Great Mysteries of the Universe...

Iota: [desperate] Iota calling... please, guys?

Ace: But who do we call for assistance? [looks through notebook] Surely there must be... AHA! Here it is, in small print below the Jell-O Party Rules: For EMERGENCY Assistance, please call Unit Lambda to contact the Great Profitmaker, The Grand High Head Cheese of ConCom... Operation Hours: Weekdays, 10-10:15 am?? Well, I'll try them anyway. Base Alpha to Unit Lambda? Come in please? ... Unit Lambda?

Lambda: Hello?

Ace: Hello? Is this Unit Lambda?

Lambda: Um.... yeah-sort of! Wait. Who is this?

Ace: This is Base Alpha. We need some help with-

Lambda: [quickly] Hold please! [Hold music, “Girl from Ipanema”]

Supply: [enters] I need a large plate of hot, sterilized, spaghetti.

Alex: Would any pasta do?

Supply: No, it has to be spaghetti. You know how fussy Paul is about these details.

Alex: Try the hotel restaurant. Ask for the manager, she’s the pregnant one, she’ll know.

Supply: [exits] Okay, thanks.

Ace: [hangs up on hold music] Can you believe it? Their walkie-talkie not only puts you on hold, but has Hold Muzak to accompany it!

Iota: [beyond desperate, waxing poetic] This is Iota again. Please, I beg of you people who live in a world of relieved bladders to take pity upon my poor soul and find it in your hearts to get me a temporary replacement or something, ANYTHING, even a cardboard cutout so I can find bliss at the nearest urinal? I spend every waking moment in poetic thought dreaming of a stream of yellow that will be my savior in a cruel world of pressured torment and light-colored jeans. Oh, the irony! If only I hadn't drank that Zulu Cola--

Beta: Alpha? This is Beta in the Art Room. There is a mother with six kids who seems to have no idea that they have just added sticky fingerprints to a Hildebrant original.

Ace: [aggravated] Alpha suggests rounding them up in a tight circle and locking them in the nearest closet. Now I repeat, does anyone know where Unit Tau has got to?

Eta: Base Alpha? This is unit Eta.

Nu: And this is Unit Nu.

Eta: We're Eta and Nu. And we're bored. The last guy made us guard the laundry room since 10 this morning. Nothing is happening. I repeat: Nothing is happening!

Ace: Consider yourself lucky…

Samekh: Base Aleph? This is Unit Samekh in the Lobby. I have found the Shofar and I am trying to locate the scrolls for the conclusion of Yom Kippur.

Ace: Sir? You are with the Jewish High Holy Convention in the Shangri-La Ballroom. Either that or you are with one heck of a weird LARP.

Sigma: Alpha? This is Unit Sigma. As per your instructions we have rounded up all the authors and locked them in the nearest closet. But they weren't too happy. We had to knock some of them out.

Ace: What???

Theta: Click... click... click... click...

Ace: [looks towards the heavens for possible divine guidance against the stupid] Some unit is using their VOICE ACTIVATION microphone. Every time you breathe, we can tell you're alive, thank you...

Eta: This Eta.

Nu: And this is Nu.

Eta: We're Eta and Nu, and we're still bored. Can we do something else? My comrade here is becoming hypnotized by the washing machine afore us like an evil spiral... just spinning... spinning... spinning...

Ace: Okay, sheesh! Go guard the hallway or something! [turns to Alex] What are these Eta and Nu guys anyway?

Alex: [sits up in alarm] UUHHH... I hope you gave them something really boring to do? Something to occupy their time pointlessly? Something away from everyone else?

Ace: Uh, maybe?

Alex: [sighs and chuckles in defeat] It's not my fault this time. You'll be sorry...

Iota: [barely containing it] Iota in heap pain. Iota must pee. Understand, kemosabe?

Omega: [Lots of wreck and ruin sounds, Omega sounds like he’s reporting from a foxhole under fire] This is Unit Omega still in the rapidly depleting Con Suite. One of the pre-teens has a sword and is using it to redecorate the Con Suite Zorro style. We are holed up under one of the remaining tables. Request back up in large, violent quantities. Repeat: LARGE, VIOLENT QUANTITIES! Rational conversation a non-plus at this point!

Psi: [coming in staticy] Base Alpha? This is Unit Psi near the basement pool. There is something really weird going on here. We sent Unit Tau in there a while ago and they haven't come**********t. We would like to have some ********* for the fog that******* getting thick.

Ace: Unit Psi? This is Alpha. You are carrying a lot of static on your transmission. Please repeat! Did you say you saw Tau a while ago?

Psi: ******** for the last ******** think they may******** send some more of*******.......

Ace: Unit Psi? Psi? [taps walkie-talkie and curses].

Theta: Click...click...click...click...Boom boom boom YEEEEAAAAHHHHH boom booom...

Ace: Who is the idiot who still has their Unit on the voice activated mike?!! You are now in some sort of huge and very loud dance party! Stop it! I hate heavy metal!

Mu: [dripping of patronizing sarcasm] This is Mu in the Video Room! We have Heavy Metal on Beta, but we only have VHS Players! I keep telling you to send Beta Tape Players! What am I going to do with the angry audience?

Ace: Wow them with an impromptu dance number! [to Alex] Who the HELL still uses VHS tapes? Alex, stop nursing that Cola and help me out!

Alex: Pfuh. [completely ignores Ace]

Battery: [enters] Can I have a battery? Mine seems to have died.

Alex: YES! Just take one!

Battery: Thanks. [exits]

Omega: This is Unit Omega in the ruins of the Con Suite. The dance idea is not working. We have lost one of our members to a pre-teen with a coffee urn. Request all you've got to be sent down here immediately!

Pi: Unit Omega, this is Unit Pi. I am on my way.

Ace: Yeah, you do that, Pi, and when you pass Medical Base One, get me some aspirin... laced with Valium!

Eta: This is Eta.

Nu: And this is Nu.

Eta: We're Eta and Nu, and the hallway is boring. Only some guy with lots of chairs and trying to sell us tickets to something that sounds very naughty.

Ace: Shut up, you two. Just look for anything suspicious.

Upsilon: Alpha? This is Unit Upsilon from the Lobby. I have located the VOICE ACTIVATED offender and restrained her. You should have no trouble. I am also signing off for the night.

Ace: Well, thank god! Thank you, Upsilon. Turn in your walkie-talkie to the security table

Theta: This is Tina-whoops! I mean Unit Theta and I am also signing off for the night.

Ace: More good news...

Theta: Thanks guys!............oooooh, Upsilon, be gentle with me...

Ace: [launching bold upright] For Gods sake, Theta! Turn your walkie-talkie off!

Beta: [confused] This is Beta, signing off as requested...

Ace: No, wait! I said Theta! Oh, hell [collapses on table]

Rho: Base Alpha? This is Unit Rho in the game room again. Is that Theta girl a slut or what?

Zeta: Unit Rho? This is Zeta! I am coming to make you eat those words followed by my fist!!!

Ace: No violence! Please? [to Alex] Who is Zeta?

Alex: Zeta is known as Hilda, The Queen of Pain in Yellow Spandex! She is a woman lady wrestler, and that's only her hobby...

Ace: Does SCA demos?

Alex: She IS an SCA demo!

Ace: Great... just friggin' great!"

Eta: This is Eta.

Nu: And this is Nu.

Eta: We're Eta and Nu, and we have come across a brown puddle. Requesting back up.

Ace: Shut up, Eta!

Beta: This is Beta. I am already shut up! I'm just staying online so in case you need me, I'll be here. Please don't be so mean to me.

Delta: Alpha, this is Delta in the lobby. Some Christian people are here with guns and they want to talk to the "Grand Demon Against Holy God". Just where do I send them?

Ace: Great... religious righters here... just what we need…

Samekh: This is Samekh again. We are unable to locate the scrolls. Does your convention have them?

Ace: Samekh? Have you tried the ballroom?"

Delta: Hoookay! You’re the boss… Delta the Holy Rollers to the Ballroom as per request...

Ace: No! Wait! The Jewish High Holy Convention! I don't think... ahh, forget it." [plops into chair and does a good basset hound impression with his hands pulling his face.

Rho: This is Rho in the Gameroom. Someone has stolen the props for my game and replaced them with a rolled papers. I can't see what they say, I think they are in Hebrew...

Ace: Rho? I think you should send them to the Ballroom. But be careful, there are two religions-"

Alex: Isn’t Zeta after Rho?

Ace: No, on second thought, you'll be safer there! Get out of the game room pronto!

Eta: This is Eta.

Nu: This is Nu.

Eta: We're Eta and Nu. The brown puddle seems to have gotten larger. We are using a chemical spill clean-up kit. The kind that comes in a huge orange container. Nu likes to play with the foam blocks.

Nu: Yeah. Eta has the coolest stuff. Uh, oh. Eta?

Eta: You got some on you? Emergency! Emergency! My best friend Nu has been contaminated. Nu, I am afraid I must burn all of your clothing.

Nu: Okay.

Ace: No, wait! Don't you think you guys are over-reacting?

Alex: [with a “told you so” voice] Eta and Nu, huh?

Omicron: This is Omicron on floor nine. There is a strange amount of chairs at the elevator shaft, and some guy with a walkie-talkie is selling tickets, and... oh my god, there are these two Punks that are... well... can they do that?

Ace: Oh, great. Unit Gamma? Unit Gamma?

Gamma: This is Unit Gamma. Hold on. 120, 140, 160...[singing] we're in the money.... we're in the money....

Supply: [comes onstage] Okay, I need a box of raisinets, a pair of jumper cables, some sanitary napkins, twelve glass, not plastic, jars of one-meg memory chips, some 3 by 5 cards, a signed copy of Danny Elfman’s autobiography, two Persian kittens, an aquarium, six Motown backup-singers, a goblet, a mango, a leather mask with gag ball, and a sealed package of golden bikini briefs, size six.

Alex: Wow, you got assigned the Green room already?

Supply: I don’t want to talk about it.

Alex: Okay, the raisinets—

Ace: Will you just go away!!!!!

Supply: [walks offstage] Okay, but if Mr. MacFarland throws a fit, it’s on your head.

Omega: This is Unit Omega where the Con Suite used to be. [sigh of gratefulness] We thank you for the back up.

Ace: What back up?

Omega: A large woman in yellow spandex just rushed though here and scared the pre-teens to death. She kept going towards the game room. All under control.

Ace: Zeta? To the game room? Oh my god, RHO! RUN!

Mu: This is Mu in the movie room. We would appreciate it if you refrained from telling everyone that we are doing re-runs. We only have one VHS tape with Dangermouse dubbed in Latin, but that is because we still haven't received the BETAS!!!! Now, do I have to go up there and slap some sense into you like I did the last guy for sending me the wrong patch cables?

Iota: [is desperate, clinging pain] I implore you, all kind, and good sirs! PLEASE, I HAVE to PEE! If I hold it anymore, I shall explode. The pain is so intense, I am loosing feeling in my limbs. Should the paralysis spread, I fear I shall have a containment spill of my own! I have already lost the ability to stand straight, and the very job I have been empowered to do is fragmenting as I cannot function to 100% of my abilities—

Rho: This is Unit Rho leaving the game room with the scrolls, I will log back on as soon as... hey wait! There is some girl in [clothing Zeta is wearing] who is running towards me very, very fast. I am going to -ERK!

Zeta: Call me a slut, will you!? Well take this!! [huge slamming noise]

Beta: This is Unit Beta in the Art room. I know you want me off line, but some security guy with a bunch of scrolls just crashed though the hotel partition and landed in a Mark Rogers “Salute to Elvis” display.

Rho: ...Alpha... this is -ooh- Rho... I have now transferred myself to the art room. But first, a nap [thud].

Sigma: Alpha? This is Sigma...

Ace: Oh, now what?

Sigma: The guests we locked up have escaped. We couldn't stop them! Hal Clement had a gun!

Iota: [strained, dying] Mayday! Mayday! Iota has reached capacity! Rupture of bladder eminent! I repeat, rupture of bladder is on countdown cycle! Must... get... out... ....Must... empty.... bladder!

Eta: This is Eta.

Nu: And this is Nu.

Nu: This is Eta and Nu. I have burned all of Nu's clothing, and gave him a chemical shower. The spill turned to be of neutral contamination. It was a spilled Cola. MMmmm! Did you know that Cola is the world's most common soft drink? It also cleans dirty battery terminals and…

Ace: [stands up] Alex? I am going down do the pool room to give Psi some new batteries and see if I can locate Tau.

Alex: And leave this?

Ace: I need to see where Tau went. Last he was seen, he had the Beta Players. And it seems the pool downstairs is on fire. Well, you're head honcho, now. Wish me well!

Alex: I wish so well, I will wish you Orson Wells! [sarcastically blows him a kiss].

Battery: [enters] Can I have a battery? Mine seems to have died.

Alex: Yeah, we got like one more, though.

Battery: Thanks.

Ace: Wait, just how many batteries does one guy need?

Battery: Uhhhhhh... [makes a run for it]

Ace: Hey, wait! Come back. [exits]

Phi: This is unit Phi on the 8th floor. I am reporting "All Clear"... hey! It's Hal Clement and Vicky Wyman. Hello guys, enjoying the convention?... now, Hal... Hal, put down that gun... Hal? Hal?... no, not another lecture on Florosilicate life forms, Hal! No...NO!!!! AGH!

Sigma: Beta? This is Sigma! The guest authors have broken free and are heading towards you to the art room. Vicky might not like Rho catnapping in the Elvis display. She's mad enough already that I whonked her with a monkey wrench. This is a code BURNT UMBERISH WITH A TOUCH OF ORANGE SIENNAISH! Hal Clement is armed!

Gamma: This is Unit Gamma... the...er, show, has just, um, climaxed and the Punk Rockers have retired to the dance floor. I need someone to help remove these chairs. Tell Base Alpha we made $740 on that idea of theirs with the Punks, but they found out about it and are heading down to their floor to talk about royalties... or maybe a sequel... I don't know but...

Delta: This is Delta in the Lobby. An elderly man wearing an old blazer with a gun just ran towards the Opening Ceremonies. I don’t think he’s with the Christian guys.

Mu: [in a musing tone] This is unit Mu in the video room. Does anyone know if Dangermouse's assistant is a hamster, or a mole? And if it occurs to anyone....SEND ME A GODDAMN BETA PLAYER!!!!!
Lambda: This is Unit Lambda in the Staff Suite. I know there is a rumor that we are supposed to be running the convention, but we deny all allegations to the aforementioned. You all have fun now...

Supply: [enters] Alex… sprinklers aren’t load-bearing, are they?

Alex: Oh… no…

Supply: It was the moose’s fault.

Kappa: This is Unit Kappa in the opening ceremonies. You really won't believe this, but Hal Clement just shot Harlan Ellison! Harlan just dissolved. He wasn't real! He was just a colony of sentient dollar bills...

Alex: Oh, this I gotta see! [exits]

Iota: [ashamed] This is Iota. I no longer need to go pee. May I have a towel instead? And some new pants?

Tau: This is Unit Tau to Alpha. I have the beta players. Alpha? Alpha? Hello?
Tags: comedy, fandom, podcast, security blanket, skit
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