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17 March 2009 @ 04:05 pm
A terrible skit: Con security as Help Desk staff  
Chuck wonders in a Facebook comment, "what an organization would be like if their help desk ran like how my friends to convention security/medical." Given that a large amount of help desk people also work security, I am not sure how attitudes would be different. I played with this concept as a skit back and forth, and tried to make an office more like a convention. Then wrote this slightly unfunny and meandering skit with no point, but I was bored, and then ran out of time and wrote myself into a corner.

[scene opens to people sitting around a table in what usually is a coat closet]
Charlie: So... I just got on shift, what's new?
Tinman: You tell me. You have been here for the last hour.
Charlie: Oh yeah.
Tinman: Why don't you enjoy the rest of the office when you're not on shift?
Charlie: I am not really a fan of this company. I don't get half the employees, and I only come to this job to hang out with you guys.
Tinman: [knowing nod] Yeah...
Charlie: So, did they ever find that guy's computer?
Tinman: No. He said he left it to go take a leak, and it was gone when he came back. Whattia gonna do?
Charlie: Last night, at like 1am, someone got a Windows virus.
Tinman: You think it's related?
Charlie: Nah, turns out he had a Mac.
Tinman: Oh, you're funny.
Radio: -- This is Biggie down in front of the marketing meeting --
Charlie: Ho boy...
Radio: -- Yeah, they are out of dry erase markers. Someone alert supply --
Tinman: Roger that, Biggie. Ed? ED?
Ed: Yeah?
Tinman: What's the extension for supply?
Ed: 1422
Tinman: [dials phone] Supply? Oh, what extension is supply?
Charlie: When's the next food run?
Tinman: 2214? Thanks! [hangs up phone] I ordered too much Chinese food. You can have some of my lo mein.
Charlie: Eugh... it's cold.
Radio: -- **FFT-TIK*** **FFT-TIK*** **FFT-TIK*** --
Tinman: Think of it like Ghak. A Klingon dish best served cold.
Charlie: That's revenge. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Tinman: So think of it like revenge.
Charlie: No thanks. Food and revenge are not a good image to attach to cold Chinese food.
Tinman: So try some of the suhsi. It's been warmed up by a the radio battery chargers.
Radio: -- **FFT-TIK*** **FFT-TIK*** **FFT-TIK*** --
Charlie: You are some piece of work. Remind me not to eat at your apartment. Is there any coffee?
Tinman: Do we have coffee? Ha ha... [rolls eyes]
Radio: -- Never mind. Marketing got some markers from Joni's desk --
Tinman: We have coffee that will put hair on your chest.
Charlie: So will my cat. But she sheds a lot.
Radio: -- This is HR for Payroll? How come Gern Blanston is still being paid ? --
Charlie & Tinman: WRONG CHANNEL!
Charlie: Man, I never tire of saying that. Morons...
Radio: -- **FFT-TIK*** **FFT-TIK*** **FFT-TIK*** How much for a tall vanilla latte, doll? --
Tinman: SOMEONE HAS THEIR MICROPHONE ON VOICE ACTIVATION!
Charlie: HR again, I bet. I always wondered what happened to people who graduated at the bottom of their class with a BA.
Tinman: They work here.
Charlie: That's the joke, thank you.
Radio: -- **FFT-TIK*** **FFT-TIK*** My god, I want a piece of THAT dish, Bob... --
Charlie: Awesome. We're on the Leisure Suit Larry channel.
Tinman: [on radio] Attention production department, we are rebooting the backup domain controller.
Radio: -- OooooOOoooo-kay. What's a backpack domination comptroller? ---
Radio: -- Sounds like and extra $30, same as downtown --
Radio: -- Sounds like Dan has experience --
Radio: -- I found that call offenseeve! --
Radio: -- It's pronounced, "offen-SIV," not "seev."
Radio: -- Can we keep it down? --
Radio: -- UNSUBSCRIBE! --
Tinman: I hate this job.
Radio: -- STOP BROADCASTING ON THIS CHANNEL --
Radio: -- I am offended by the word, "broad!" --
Radio: -- I am now showing the radio a comic strip by Bloom County where Opus says --
Radio: -- Can we keep the chatter down? And why is the backpack domain controller not responding? --
Radio: -- If help desk did their job, this wouldn't happen --
Charlie: [to radio] We told you in the first place--
Tinman: NO! It will just make it worse!
Radio: -- Can we keep it down? --
Radio: -- UNSUBSCRIBE! --
Radio: -- **FFT-TIK*** **FFT-TIK*** I'd like to unsubscribe her, if you know what I mean... --
Radio: -- I am offended at someone with voice activation! --
Radio: -- A backup complain controller is the computer where images are stored, like on a backpack. Noobs. --
Radio: -- No, a backup domain computer is where the backups are stored! --
Radio: -- What do you know? --
Radio: -- I have a PhD! --
Radio: -- A PhD in being a numbskull! I have a computer science degree --
Radio: -- Bob, you're so old, that just means you majored in the abacus --
Radio: -- Can we keep it down? --
Radio: -- UNSUBSCRIBE! --
Radio: -- **FFT-TIK*** **FFT-TIK*** --
Tinman: Kill me now.
Radio: -- My Windows can't see the network! --
Charlie: Can you ping your gateway?
Radio: [nothing for 3 minutes]
Radio: -- My Windows can't see the network! Isn't anyone gonna help me??? --
Tinman: I am going off shift, I'll let you handle this one.
Charlie: Where are you going?
Tinman: Oh, nowhere. I just won't answer the radio.
Charlie: You suck.
Radio: -- I am offended at that statement! --
Charlie: At least let me have the chair with the armrests.
Tinman: I can't hear you, I am off duty.
Radio: -- ATTN: Dear Sir/Madam, I am Mr. David Ungeebungee an Auditor of a BANK OF THE NORTH INTERNATIONAL,ABUJA (FCT), a contractor with the Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation. I have the courage to Crave indulgence for this important business with the death of my father who had no heirs --
Charlie: SPAMMERS!
Tinman: Who knows, this one could be legit.
Charlie: Go die in a fire
Radio: -- I am getting spam! What is help desk going to do about it??? --
Radio: -- Can we keep it down? --
Radio: -- UNSUBSCRIBE! --
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Internal Locust of Control: happy bunny stupid peopleapeyanne on March 17th, 2009 09:04 pm (UTC)
Actually, this is pretty dead on, and ending it there actually works...
GoodGothGirlgoodgothgirl on March 20th, 2009 09:08 pm (UTC)
I am amused, and I don't work in security or IT. Having been around enough people who do, however -- I loved it!