punkwalrus (punkwalrus) wrote,

Feeling depressed and ghoulish

So, I did bills last night. Things are not good. Two part time jobs I have had (babysitting and dog sitting) have all but dried up. This means that we're single income with takayla's unemployment trickling in up until December. She has only had one interview all summer, despite her applying to a lot of places (2-3 places a week).

Despite this, somehow my credit rating, which had been slumping to the high 600s, has now shot up to the mid 700s, which is "Excellent" on all credit scoring agencies. This is up from "Good" where it was for about a year. No, I can't use this to take out a loan. I already have a second mortgage, and I am not taking out a third. Cards are maxxed out (I don't have that many, anyway), and I only have enough savings to last us a month should I lose my job.

Last night, I went through a lot of my old journal entries from 2004-2005, trying to see how bad it could be. I could hate my job and have a boss who was totally mean. I was going through a lot of the private entries, describing projects and whatnot, and now I am nearly 5 years more educated, and FUCK AOL WAS MESSED UP. I mean, I knew it back then, but it was more of a "I don't know what's going on, but this doesn't feel right..." and now I am one of my throngs of commenter posts from back then going GET OUT!!! like a poltergeist in a bad "Are You Afraid of the Dark" episode. I had three big things that were working against me:

  1. I had 5 different bosses in 8 months. The last boss I had was a former friend, a supposedly devout Bible-literal Southern Baptist, going through a failing marriage which was mostly his fault due to his hypocrisy and abusive nature.
  2. Nothing was documented properly. No procedures, servers, or records. Mostly they weren't documented at all, and what little I did find was often out of date, written in a confusing manner, and 80% of anything was company proprietary, so it's not like I could Google an answer. It was always in someone's head who didn't have time to talk to me.
  3. In those last 8 months, I changed departments 4 times, and changed buildings 3 times. Not by choice, mind you, but someone high up wanted to regroup, rename, and move us all around. The constant "restructuring" meant that I never had any project from beginning to end. I either started a project and then lost it, or got a project from someone and then handed it off. I never really got to finish a project, since a lot of projects just were "put on hold" by some executive decision, only to be forgotten. Oh, and there were always layoffs during these moves.

I really don't know how anyone could have succeeded in that environment. One of the things that I learned from that point in my life is just how much stress can affect your health. It shattered my confidence in nearly everything. It didn't help that 2-3 mornings a week I was up at 4am for an install, then expected to go to work until 5pm. Then I'd be grilled about what may have gone wrong.

Still, I am really tired of worrying about money. Theoretically, Reiki will help with this, so I will try that angle.
Tags: aol, finances, money, reiki, work
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